It was a Monday morning, and the first day after my resignation. I stayed in bed for a while, still remembering what had happened just days before. I had always done this before when I was still working, and a sense of dread and morbid anticipation filled my lungs as I took a deep breath and as my heart started to skip a beat. It was the feeling of calm before a storm, and the realization that I was going to capsize, drown and be fare game to sharks as soon as I was on the clock, and as soon as my feet hit the floor, I could almost taste the saltwater go down my throat. This morning was different, I was seldom happy when I just woke up, but I could swear that I was smiling right before I opened my eyes. It felt that I had just awoken from a nightmare, but I knew that everything that had happened was real, but I knew that for now, the dreadful sleep will no longer haunt me and instead of reliving horror, it became nostalgia of relief.
Cold water dripped from my brow as I stared at the reflection from the bathroom mirror. And no matter how long I stared, I knew that I was a different person, and the face of the stranger that I had long despised was something I grew accustomed to. Although that didn’t mean I hated what I had turned myself into any less, I still wanted what had been taken from me, and, though futile, I would never stop searching. I looked like a mess, the invisible scars bore my hardships and shame, and the silent wounds the bled out my soul, are etched into my being, and my reflection was a ghost, a testament to what I had learned and lost, and the reason I search for redemption. And as I walk away, I always hoped that the next time, I would see someone I knew and actually wanted to see. And since that day, it was the new reason why I woke up in the morning.
I had gone back to my habit of taking long walks whenever I could. But unlike before, going to and coming home from work, it wasn’t about getting to where I was going and going back and forth, it was about the walk itself. And as I paced aimlessly, I always asked myself if by making choices the way I did, that I had cheated myself out of a good thing and gave up the chance to live what most would consider a fulfilling life. Even to this day I ask this question, but I remain undaunted, for I believe and live by two absolute truths in my short lifetime, one, regrets keep people from taking a full step forward and two, I am not most people. What most consider the way to live an accomplished existence, I consider selfish and superficial. The way I see it take away the frosting and rainbow colors from the bitter pill they shove up you’re a$$ called “life”, its work for money, propagate your species and don’t get in the way when you become useless, and die. If my tenure at that horror show of job has taught me anything, its that fulfillment and a life lived to the fullest, surpasses the superficial realm of material satisfaction, it has to reach an entirely spiritual, even existential plane. Family, wealth, love, prestige and power don’t mean anything to me if deep inside, I know I never got what I wanted. If it means defying conventional logic, then ill live and linger outside the box, and if it means starving to death naked while under the mercy of the elements, then let a piece of nameless stone mark my grave. My decision indeed was like trading in my old life, but I know that I was given a chance to pursue what I believe is my calling and the only path to true happiness and I will make certain that every step I take from here on will be toward the life carved by my own hands, the life that I would want to live.
Nursing my old friend, once my passion, now my burden, beginning that day, each morning you remind me of a promise to myself, to never lose sight of what really matters to me and to continue moving forward towards happiness, and a truly fulfilling existence.
-graydarksoul-
Friday, May 9, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Nursing retrospective
Im a weird kid, I could belong in a lot of places, but stay an outsider most of the time and nursing was no different. I considered it one of my proudest moments, practicing my profession. To be employed as a nurse was the first step to bigger things in the future, a future of course involving a salary that would buy big things. I never saw it that way though; thinking of the future made me twitchy, what hasn’t happened yet would only mean something to me when I actually get there. Nursing was my passion, I hated taking care of other people, but I usually find myself doing it well. I wanted something easy, but nursing buried me with mass quantities of information and intricate skills, but the deeper I sank, the harder I swam. And four years and a board exam later, I was a full fledged nurse. Then came my first nursing job, I was employed as a CCU-ICU staff nurse. The first few days were fine, my work area I consider the proving ground for all would-be RN’s. I loved it; death at a moments notice, the work was nothing short of brutal. It was a job that spanned long after the eight hour shift. I tasted it when i ate, dreamt it when i slept, and it ran through my veins before I knew it. It wasn’t all fun and games; I was embarrassed countless times and ridiculed by the people who were supposed to guide me and every mistake I made was made a statement of my character, my questions only seemed to fan the flames. I never forgot their words til’ this day. Yeah, they were sh*t heads, I never bothered knowing them outside of work. I wanted to separate myself from what I hated, putting as much distance as I can when im not working. It was like being raped emotionally, and I just let them do it everyday, and I was turning into a whore, because other people and part of myself, is telling me to like it. Often times after shift, id go to the nearby church to cry a little and pray for these people but it didn’t take the taste of shame out of my mouth. Even after all that, I wanted to stay, after all it was work, and it was a job.
One day I noticed that when I did well or made mistakes when I worked I felt nothing. The praise or scolding that came seemed to lose meaning It was a numbing feeling that haunted me wherever I went and whatever I did. It was apathy, like a cancer it crept inside of me and now piecing me apart. Food didn’t taste as good, I laughed less loudly, didn’t enjoy the long walks, found nothing beautiful anymore, was always uneasy, and I wasn’t able to write compositions. I had lost myself, because my work had inevitably consumed me. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t miss my old self, I imagined that this must be what a prostitute felt after whoring for a long time; perpetual numbness and a drowning shallow existence. My epiphany came when I saw myself in the mirror, I had aged, my eyes were as a blank stare, sunken cheeks, unkempt hair, I had turned myself into a stranger. I realized I had lost everything, there was no guilt, after all this is what everyone turns to eventually, but that thought only made the burden harder to bear. Money or titles can never guarantee happiness; I was so miserable because of what was taken away from me and the fact that it took me this long to realize it. Now, I was no different from the people im taking care of, I my not have tubes stuck in my mouth or a ventilator to breathe for me but I was fighting for my life, my essence, my soul, and it was a losing battle.
The smell of death and suffering always left a trace and no amount of cleaning and bathing could erase the scent, it was crawling under my skin and I took it everywhere. I loved nursing, but each day even as I grew proficient working, a part of me hated it. This was nursing and each day I became more of a nurse and the feeling of hate flourished with it. I hate being around death so much, I hate some of my sh*t head co-staff, I hate having to give up doing the things I love, and everyday I got to thinking if I hate nursing itself as well. I was sad when I thought of myself then, but I was overcome with a silent agony every time I thought of what I would be tomorrow.
It’s hard to imagine paying someone to be around the sick and dying, and ironically, dying inside a little each day is part of what I do for a living. Ever since my first day on the job, I found myself praying more. Stopping at the church beside my hospital became routine before I went home. Perhaps it was despair or just looking for answers like always but I always felt better after every visit. Working in mysterious ways is always taken into context and eventually I was growing to accept my fate or just giving in to despair. Then I believe that the events that took place next were truly an act of God.
My overseas, nursing career was in crisis, it was on the verge of destruction without me even doing anything, and I would just be left with that dream in my head. Long story short, The local board had to be retaken and passed, with a US license at stake. Everything was starting to lose sense personally at that point, this was just the cherry to the perfect sh*t sundae. Hey, this job was technically killing me so why stop when I’m not dead yet. Even though I’d accumulated so much remorse and hatred for this job, I was quite hesitant about my options, quit the job, take the exam and pass, or remain, take the exam and surely fail, no there is no third option for me, I know what I can do, and gambling a losing bet is just stupid. But nursing is like a prodigal son to me, sure you can take away everything in my life I enjoy and just replace it with trophies of experience and even scraps of money, yes that should be enough, but I had developed a blind devotion to it, and id always hope that by some miracle it would magically come back. It was once my passion, and even though it turned into something I abhorred and lost love for it, part of me desperately wanted it back. But even so, with a lot of people urging me to stay and a part of myself also wanted to stay, I still resigned. My last duty was uneventful, it was a nightshift and work was light. Morning came and i punched my time card the last time, one of my co-staff bid me farewell, I expressed my gratitude and it was again a proud moment for me, even though I was walking away from what I had worked so hard to achieve. Stepping out the door I saw the morning light again for the first time, it burned my eyes but it was beautiful.
--graydarksoul--
One day I noticed that when I did well or made mistakes when I worked I felt nothing. The praise or scolding that came seemed to lose meaning It was a numbing feeling that haunted me wherever I went and whatever I did. It was apathy, like a cancer it crept inside of me and now piecing me apart. Food didn’t taste as good, I laughed less loudly, didn’t enjoy the long walks, found nothing beautiful anymore, was always uneasy, and I wasn’t able to write compositions. I had lost myself, because my work had inevitably consumed me. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t miss my old self, I imagined that this must be what a prostitute felt after whoring for a long time; perpetual numbness and a drowning shallow existence. My epiphany came when I saw myself in the mirror, I had aged, my eyes were as a blank stare, sunken cheeks, unkempt hair, I had turned myself into a stranger. I realized I had lost everything, there was no guilt, after all this is what everyone turns to eventually, but that thought only made the burden harder to bear. Money or titles can never guarantee happiness; I was so miserable because of what was taken away from me and the fact that it took me this long to realize it. Now, I was no different from the people im taking care of, I my not have tubes stuck in my mouth or a ventilator to breathe for me but I was fighting for my life, my essence, my soul, and it was a losing battle.
The smell of death and suffering always left a trace and no amount of cleaning and bathing could erase the scent, it was crawling under my skin and I took it everywhere. I loved nursing, but each day even as I grew proficient working, a part of me hated it. This was nursing and each day I became more of a nurse and the feeling of hate flourished with it. I hate being around death so much, I hate some of my sh*t head co-staff, I hate having to give up doing the things I love, and everyday I got to thinking if I hate nursing itself as well. I was sad when I thought of myself then, but I was overcome with a silent agony every time I thought of what I would be tomorrow.
It’s hard to imagine paying someone to be around the sick and dying, and ironically, dying inside a little each day is part of what I do for a living. Ever since my first day on the job, I found myself praying more. Stopping at the church beside my hospital became routine before I went home. Perhaps it was despair or just looking for answers like always but I always felt better after every visit. Working in mysterious ways is always taken into context and eventually I was growing to accept my fate or just giving in to despair. Then I believe that the events that took place next were truly an act of God.
My overseas, nursing career was in crisis, it was on the verge of destruction without me even doing anything, and I would just be left with that dream in my head. Long story short, The local board had to be retaken and passed, with a US license at stake. Everything was starting to lose sense personally at that point, this was just the cherry to the perfect sh*t sundae. Hey, this job was technically killing me so why stop when I’m not dead yet. Even though I’d accumulated so much remorse and hatred for this job, I was quite hesitant about my options, quit the job, take the exam and pass, or remain, take the exam and surely fail, no there is no third option for me, I know what I can do, and gambling a losing bet is just stupid. But nursing is like a prodigal son to me, sure you can take away everything in my life I enjoy and just replace it with trophies of experience and even scraps of money, yes that should be enough, but I had developed a blind devotion to it, and id always hope that by some miracle it would magically come back. It was once my passion, and even though it turned into something I abhorred and lost love for it, part of me desperately wanted it back. But even so, with a lot of people urging me to stay and a part of myself also wanted to stay, I still resigned. My last duty was uneventful, it was a nightshift and work was light. Morning came and i punched my time card the last time, one of my co-staff bid me farewell, I expressed my gratitude and it was again a proud moment for me, even though I was walking away from what I had worked so hard to achieve. Stepping out the door I saw the morning light again for the first time, it burned my eyes but it was beautiful.
--graydarksoul--
The road back
I never thought I’d be writing again quite honestly since the events that fateful demise of what I consider my penchant for writing, but what I know more intimately as my soul. I’d never think that writing this piece, which learning how to walk after having your legs taken away, would be a plain and simple blog entry. I hate talking about myself in writing. It felt awkward, like being naked in public. There are no masks to hide myself behind, no pretentious facades to play, no smokes and mirrors of apathy and false emotions, even if you are seemingly talking to yourself, each word typed reeks of honesty, and what you’ll soon read is the truth, and its not easy to look at. And the truth is I became so engrossed with all the sh*that has happened in the past that i’d lost sight of why I wrote in the first place. Every poem and prose I had written was an embodiment of pure emotion and free thought that I was fortunate enough to put into form and structure. All of the verses filled me with a sense of nostalgia, a sense of freedom that I know I’ll never find but won’t stop looking for. Reading any composition of mine made me feel like a stranger to myself, and meeting me for the first time. It was why I wrote, it wasn’t about recognition or having fun, it was about writing something I’d read at the end of the day, and more importantly seeing myself in every work, even if I don’t recognize me at first. Having said all of that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to write like I used to.
But if this is will be the last thing I write then let it be a single stone on a nameless grave, if not then it’s the beginning of my reincarnation. -graydarksoul-
But if this is will be the last thing I write then let it be a single stone on a nameless grave, if not then it’s the beginning of my reincarnation. -graydarksoul-
RN, Right now: Euthanize me.
Its hard to fathom how ive developed a dislike for something ive almost worshipped for the last few years of my life. I remember when I got accepted into my college academe a few years back, and I was do eager to light the lamp, to serve, to become a nurse, lately though, that lamp is on the top shelf in my closet, never used, often remembered, and soon to be forgotten. This piece is perhaps an elegy, or that syringe full of morphine that is soon to find its way through my IV.
I remember my first day as full fledged nurse, I was employed at a hospital that was prestigious in its own right. It was a first hand experience if being the new guy, it had its occasional upsides, and the more often rape by emotional vampires. Yes I had my share of screw-ups and I admit that my ineptness put me in more than one compromising situation, but I knew that this is what I had signed up for and I was not going to back down. And just to express my appreciation for everyone who showed me the ropes around the area and whom I shall be forever grateful to for all the patience and the friendship, Ate Tere, Ate Lilo, Kuya Geoff, Kuya Bernard, Kuya Darwin, Kuya Justin, Sir Zoe and Ma’am Lilian, Thank you for everything. And also a special mention to Mika, Mac, and another female staff who I wont bother remembering its O something.., id just like to say that I learned absolutely s*it from you, and you are the people who make this job a hell of a lot harder for me and I only thank God everytime im working with you that I didn’t kill any of my patients, im sorry I don’t know what to do and im a lot more sorry that you treat co-workers like that, so on a last note I have 2 things to say to you 3, I hope you are much better people outside work and I pray you treat those after me better and, F*CK YOU!, thank you for absolutely nothing.
Having said that id be lying if I said I didn’t regret leaving, I passed the license enhancing exam and I think I wouldn’t have done so if I didn’t do what I did. And thinking now, there are a lot more things I want in life that I still want to accomplish before I devote my life to nursing. In all honesty, nursing isn’t about the so called greener pasture for me, its about seeing the world in another light, and I have searched within the sterile halls, inside the emergency carts and even in every living and dying person inside the hospital. Perhaps I may have not searched enough, but I am at another crossroads and the winds guide me elsewhere. It may not be anytime soon but, when I am in the dark I may just reach into my closet and light that lamp again.
---graydarksoul---
I remember my first day as full fledged nurse, I was employed at a hospital that was prestigious in its own right. It was a first hand experience if being the new guy, it had its occasional upsides, and the more often rape by emotional vampires. Yes I had my share of screw-ups and I admit that my ineptness put me in more than one compromising situation, but I knew that this is what I had signed up for and I was not going to back down. And just to express my appreciation for everyone who showed me the ropes around the area and whom I shall be forever grateful to for all the patience and the friendship, Ate Tere, Ate Lilo, Kuya Geoff, Kuya Bernard, Kuya Darwin, Kuya Justin, Sir Zoe and Ma’am Lilian, Thank you for everything. And also a special mention to Mika, Mac, and another female staff who I wont bother remembering its O something.., id just like to say that I learned absolutely s*it from you, and you are the people who make this job a hell of a lot harder for me and I only thank God everytime im working with you that I didn’t kill any of my patients, im sorry I don’t know what to do and im a lot more sorry that you treat co-workers like that, so on a last note I have 2 things to say to you 3, I hope you are much better people outside work and I pray you treat those after me better and, F*CK YOU!, thank you for absolutely nothing.
Having said that id be lying if I said I didn’t regret leaving, I passed the license enhancing exam and I think I wouldn’t have done so if I didn’t do what I did. And thinking now, there are a lot more things I want in life that I still want to accomplish before I devote my life to nursing. In all honesty, nursing isn’t about the so called greener pasture for me, its about seeing the world in another light, and I have searched within the sterile halls, inside the emergency carts and even in every living and dying person inside the hospital. Perhaps I may have not searched enough, but I am at another crossroads and the winds guide me elsewhere. It may not be anytime soon but, when I am in the dark I may just reach into my closet and light that lamp again.
---graydarksoul---
For Gale
If angels truly failed to tread the paths I cross,
Then your feathers still rustle with the leaves
That breeze toward the horizons end
The dusks and dawns of years past
Through hellfire and brimstone
And battles with our own demons
Still I hold your hand
And as time and the universe makes promises
Change and uncertainty its guarantee
If our paths should sever
I will die, and you shall forever hold
Whatever is left of me
But as long as we walk the same road,
I shall never falter
I am your guardian, your lover
For you are the wind,
My Gale that fills me forever.
---graydarksoul---
Then your feathers still rustle with the leaves
That breeze toward the horizons end
The dusks and dawns of years past
Through hellfire and brimstone
And battles with our own demons
Still I hold your hand
And as time and the universe makes promises
Change and uncertainty its guarantee
If our paths should sever
I will die, and you shall forever hold
Whatever is left of me
But as long as we walk the same road,
I shall never falter
I am your guardian, your lover
For you are the wind,
My Gale that fills me forever.
---graydarksoul---
For Ash
From the seeds that dare not sprout
I pick the roses that never bloom
Present a bouquet, veiled with congeniality
Yet crimson is shed from the thorns
---
Your face haunts even the sanctity of my dreams
That even as I stare from afar, I forget im awake
But only in Somnus’s palm can I hold yours in mine
For in slumber shall my longing touch remain.
---
Thunderous whispers from the top of my lungs
Echoes carried by the winds through the horizons
But shall never reach its destination
Heard only as a dirge to what was never born
---
My lips tremble even at the mention of your name
Hungry for the taste of yours
But if it would cost me my demise, to see a single smile
Let me die, let it die
---
My beloved sin
Perhaps a rose laden path to my damnation
For my passion, my Ash
Shall not be lost, shall not be found.
----graydarksoul---
I pick the roses that never bloom
Present a bouquet, veiled with congeniality
Yet crimson is shed from the thorns
---
Your face haunts even the sanctity of my dreams
That even as I stare from afar, I forget im awake
But only in Somnus’s palm can I hold yours in mine
For in slumber shall my longing touch remain.
---
Thunderous whispers from the top of my lungs
Echoes carried by the winds through the horizons
But shall never reach its destination
Heard only as a dirge to what was never born
---
My lips tremble even at the mention of your name
Hungry for the taste of yours
But if it would cost me my demise, to see a single smile
Let me die, let it die
---
My beloved sin
Perhaps a rose laden path to my damnation
For my passion, my Ash
Shall not be lost, shall not be found.
----graydarksoul---
Rebirth
A formless soul
Nested on a nameless earth
Treading beaten paths
Where shallow marks lay
---
The blood of knaves and martyrs
Nourish the tranquil pastures
And their intricate tombstones
Bolster the walls and line the walkways
---
The legacies of a countless fallen
Still linger in the whispers of generations
And monuments to their glory
Idolized and worshipped
---
Freedom in the within the walls of false horizons
Shackles in the guise of prestige and glory
Happiness betrothed to Midas touch
Truth is a myth, hope, a lie.
---
Existence is merely a quest for answers
Or a journey in search of questions
Tis’ not a matter of which path is taken
But taking the first step and all thereafter
---
A formless soul
Nested on a nameless earth
Count not the footsteps taken
But heed where your final step shall be made.
-----graydarksoul---
Nested on a nameless earth
Treading beaten paths
Where shallow marks lay
---
The blood of knaves and martyrs
Nourish the tranquil pastures
And their intricate tombstones
Bolster the walls and line the walkways
---
The legacies of a countless fallen
Still linger in the whispers of generations
And monuments to their glory
Idolized and worshipped
---
Freedom in the within the walls of false horizons
Shackles in the guise of prestige and glory
Happiness betrothed to Midas touch
Truth is a myth, hope, a lie.
---
Existence is merely a quest for answers
Or a journey in search of questions
Tis’ not a matter of which path is taken
But taking the first step and all thereafter
---
A formless soul
Nested on a nameless earth
Count not the footsteps taken
But heed where your final step shall be made.
-----graydarksoul---
Ghost
Hollowed vessel, shattered remains
A broken shield, now, a tempered shell
Once a beacon of light, purged, expunged
Now a demon unto itself
--------------------------
Adrift within a boundless space
Yet, every horizons end,
Are frigid bars to a cage
The sky, a warden, a priest, an executioner
--------------------------
Life is but a memory, almost forgotten
As much as the soul, is a gentle whisper
Never to echo in the bowels of darkness
Whatever is left, shall linger, shall die
---------------------------
I walk among the living
Laugh, cry, and feel like they do
And yet I am a walking void
An existence without meaning, without purpose
----------------------------
Death is a prize for effort
For a struggle futile and vain
And yet I wander,
Searching for something that can never be reclaimed
-----------------------------
Now I flutter among the living
Awaiting salvation or damnation
Haunting what once was,
And what will never be.
-graydarksoul
A broken shield, now, a tempered shell
Once a beacon of light, purged, expunged
Now a demon unto itself
--------------------------
Adrift within a boundless space
Yet, every horizons end,
Are frigid bars to a cage
The sky, a warden, a priest, an executioner
--------------------------
Life is but a memory, almost forgotten
As much as the soul, is a gentle whisper
Never to echo in the bowels of darkness
Whatever is left, shall linger, shall die
---------------------------
I walk among the living
Laugh, cry, and feel like they do
And yet I am a walking void
An existence without meaning, without purpose
----------------------------
Death is a prize for effort
For a struggle futile and vain
And yet I wander,
Searching for something that can never be reclaimed
-----------------------------
Now I flutter among the living
Awaiting salvation or damnation
Haunting what once was,
And what will never be.
-graydarksoul
The world is “O”: Crocodile tears
This is my tribute to the recently departed Steve “Crocodile hunter” Irwin. I must admit that I was never a fan of his, nor his work. I personally saw him as another peculiar foreigner with a funny accent no different from the likes of Johnny Knoxville, Jimmy Fallon, and Dave Chapelle, though i must admit that he'll never be as funny.My impression of him was he was just nother unappreciated wild life conservationist. His shows was just one of those waves I happened to crash in to while im channel surfing every so often, but nonetheless, I knew his name and what he did. His manner of dying wasn’t much of a shock to me than the fact that he’s dead. Yes, Dead, the man who ive seen wrestle crocodiles, hold down alligators, stick his head into the gaping lion’s jaws, and play kissy face with pit vipers. The man who’s ducked and dodged death almost countless times against the fangs and claws of almost all of natures most primal of kin. It’s almost surreal that a stingray’s envenomed barb would have his number, but it did, and his death showed me what I really wanted out of my own life.As ive watched his exploits unfold through the years, it was so obvious that he loved his work and was happy doing it. His passion for what he did was entirely unique to him. After every seemingly fatal or decapitating moment he seamlessly, or even mockingly at times, dodged by a hair. I am in awe of the fact that, the next time I watch him, he’s still there. Even when at times when his daily gamble doesn’t pay off as big, say, death is halted by a dose of anti-venom or a good helping of anti-bacterial cream and a lot of bandages, and after a while, he’s at it again. He has made cheating death as part of his profession, and how he’s done it for as long as he did, is entirely dumbfounding. I see it not as absolute fearlessness of death, but as the strongest will to live. This to me exemplifies this man.If this isn’t enough to earn the respect, or even admiration for this man, I don’t know what is. What this man and his life and death stand for should be the blueprint for the entire existence of humanity.
Waking up in morning doing what you love, even if it means having to risk your next breath every single time and then, doing it all over again tomorrow. To be happy, content, and ready to die at any given moment. That is how I want to live, and I only hope and pray that I meet my own demise even close to how he met his.
--graydarksoul--
Waking up in morning doing what you love, even if it means having to risk your next breath every single time and then, doing it all over again tomorrow. To be happy, content, and ready to die at any given moment. That is how I want to live, and I only hope and pray that I meet my own demise even close to how he met his.
--graydarksoul--
The world is “O”
Heres a story: A guy wearing blue shoes steps on some dog manure. That fact unknown to him he walks up to the door and forgets to wipe his feet, leaving a little chunk of poop from his shoe everywhere he went. Then, the janitor notices the trail of poop ridden footprints and the blue shoes that were making them. The next day, another guy wearing blue shoes was at the door, the janitor halted him and said “im not letting you in, those blue shoes spread dog s*it all over the floor.” The guy, visibly insulted, retorted, “Get out of my way, my shoes are clean, see”, The guy showing him the sole of his feet. The janitor was stubborn and said, “No. I know those blue shoes are going to make s*it prints again so im not letting you in.” the guy stepped aside, when a girl obviously in a rush tried to get past the janitor. The janitor stood in the way saying, ”Whoa there missy, im not letting an blue shoes touch my beautiful floor, you’d just get s*it prints all over it.” But the girl said, ”But everyone here wears blue shoes?.” And so the same routine went on til’ the end of the day, and the only person that got into the office that day was the guy who stepped on the dog poo yesterday, but today he wore white.
Saying that this June PNLE is controversial is a colossal understatement. And the media, well known for making even a speck of dust into the size of Jupiter, just blew the issue way out of proportion. A witch hunt began and with torches and pitchforks in hand, the finger pointing and hypocritical ideals just seem endless, and after a couple of days of watching the same drivel, just so pointless then, that was the day when every time it was on the news, i gave TV the finger before i changed the channel. And so as I write this, the witch hunt continues but the pyre in the plaza still lays bare. That’s all well and good, but as it stands now, the problem is still there, and like myself, the 17k+ passers of said PNLE are still on their a$$es, now utterly homicidal, and still jobless. Yeah, I could get a call center gig, or rob a bank, but personally, id take that as an insult to 4 years of busting my a$$ in nursing school. I earned my keep to get into this profession and now, withholding a tiny piece of cardboard with numbers on it is going to screw with my future. I know that its not right to give back what ive undoubtedly earned just because some douche bags cheated and got caught, but if its really for a greater good, with heavy hands, I bend over and brace myself for another kick in the a$$. I’ve no qualms if a mandatory retake does come. I’d just be proving what I already know. So, as everything stands now, im trapped in a deadlock, a deadlock I would hang in a noose made of whining, politics, bull s*it, and red tape, if it were not for my family’s ability to keep me alive. i am now a bum, a housesitter with a college degree with funds not even enough for a jeepney fare.
I hate being a spectator, but I hate fighting pointless and losing battles even more. Whatever may come to pass soon, im going to do whatever needs to be done to make the words R.N at the end of my name actually mean something.
Oh by the way, im wearing blue shoes too.
-Oscar M Adalia Jr. R.N
Saying that this June PNLE is controversial is a colossal understatement. And the media, well known for making even a speck of dust into the size of Jupiter, just blew the issue way out of proportion. A witch hunt began and with torches and pitchforks in hand, the finger pointing and hypocritical ideals just seem endless, and after a couple of days of watching the same drivel, just so pointless then, that was the day when every time it was on the news, i gave TV the finger before i changed the channel. And so as I write this, the witch hunt continues but the pyre in the plaza still lays bare. That’s all well and good, but as it stands now, the problem is still there, and like myself, the 17k+ passers of said PNLE are still on their a$$es, now utterly homicidal, and still jobless. Yeah, I could get a call center gig, or rob a bank, but personally, id take that as an insult to 4 years of busting my a$$ in nursing school. I earned my keep to get into this profession and now, withholding a tiny piece of cardboard with numbers on it is going to screw with my future. I know that its not right to give back what ive undoubtedly earned just because some douche bags cheated and got caught, but if its really for a greater good, with heavy hands, I bend over and brace myself for another kick in the a$$. I’ve no qualms if a mandatory retake does come. I’d just be proving what I already know. So, as everything stands now, im trapped in a deadlock, a deadlock I would hang in a noose made of whining, politics, bull s*it, and red tape, if it were not for my family’s ability to keep me alive. i am now a bum, a housesitter with a college degree with funds not even enough for a jeepney fare.
I hate being a spectator, but I hate fighting pointless and losing battles even more. Whatever may come to pass soon, im going to do whatever needs to be done to make the words R.N at the end of my name actually mean something.
Oh by the way, im wearing blue shoes too.
-Oscar M Adalia Jr. R.N
A blunt sword through the heart: 435ha#2
“Youre beautiful” plays on
As I lay in the darkness, awake
Drifting in the silence
Dreaming, hoping, mourning
A silent cry, along with the sound of my heartbeat
Hoping that t’was your heart beating with mine
With each strung plucked
Each note strummed
Lyrics that seemed to flow
Through these veins and every fiber of my being
Piercing old wounds that have never healed
T’was the pain of losing what could be
But never was
Now as the final verses are sung
And into slumber I succumb
I pray that in dreams, it would be
This song, but a lost echo
And tis’ you who sings to me.
--graydarkness--
As I lay in the darkness, awake
Drifting in the silence
Dreaming, hoping, mourning
A silent cry, along with the sound of my heartbeat
Hoping that t’was your heart beating with mine
With each strung plucked
Each note strummed
Lyrics that seemed to flow
Through these veins and every fiber of my being
Piercing old wounds that have never healed
T’was the pain of losing what could be
But never was
Now as the final verses are sung
And into slumber I succumb
I pray that in dreams, it would be
This song, but a lost echo
And tis’ you who sings to me.
--graydarkness--
SUBURBAN HAIKUS
Perched on a sofa
Under an electric sun
Barren oasis.
------------
Outside the window
Leaves rustle against concrete
Winds’ trail, mockery.
------------
A symphony echoes
As Raindrops rattle roof tops,
Hale on MTV
------------
Staring at the sky
Amidst wires and skyscrapers
Seems farther somehow.
------------
Shielded from the rain
Shutting out the horizon
Trapped, in Utopia.
--graydarkness--
Under an electric sun
Barren oasis.
------------
Outside the window
Leaves rustle against concrete
Winds’ trail, mockery.
------------
A symphony echoes
As Raindrops rattle roof tops,
Hale on MTV
------------
Staring at the sky
Amidst wires and skyscrapers
Seems farther somehow.
------------
Shielded from the rain
Shutting out the horizon
Trapped, in Utopia.
--graydarkness--
R.N.: Right Now #1 “Counting needles and sponges”
This one time, in Sir O’s Literature class, he asked everyone why we were there, why we wanted to surround ourselves with sick people, dying people. He even said that the medical field was the most depressing job anyone could have. I still agree with him, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Its not about the money for me, though I guess it is a perk, I like what I do, ad at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters to me. Taking care of sick people doesn’t sound that hard, really, its something you get used to but, here's the thing; When playing against death, the odds usually are'nt good, and my job is to rig the game or make sure that he takes a dive, one way or another.
I never really knew what I wanted in life 4 years ago. I was still reeling from the thrill ride that is high school that when college and the future were shoved right in my face, I really didn’t care, I yawned and did whatever I had to get the people bugging me to get off my case. So one fateful day, I ended up in the halls of this alma mater, with pen and notebook in hand, and a schedule that bore the course name, Nursing. The Far Eastern University- Institute of Nursing was hyped to be a proverbial slaughterhouse for those who sought to call themselves nurses, and I was its live cattle. During my first days I always pondered whether I’d end up as a cut of prime rib or just another link in a sausage chain. That butchery was merciless most of the time when it wasn’t plagued by idiocy mostly from the higher ops and profs. I saw how the prime ribs are carved and how the sausages are stuffed I knew people from both, and even after all the slack ive been cutting myself, i'm no damn sausage. Id be lying if I said that Nursing was easy, that I sat on my a$$ most of the time or studied only when I felt like it, which is the formula to making sausage in this institute by the way. I’ve had my fair share of work that’s expected when others peoples lives are in your hands, yep I ate, breathed, drank and slept with Nursing. It was my mistress, and I, its faithful whipping boy, that was what it took to thrive in this place, everyday it slapped you in the face with that responsibility only those in the medical field must bear. When you get stage fright or forget lines here, someone actually dies, not out of fear, and its not you. So yeah, I did go through hell and back, but id go back anytime just to do it all over again.
Years passed and i've made new friends, lost old ones, met nursing women, got drunk with them, lost myself, found myself and to make this concise, got the full package of the entire college experience with a nursing touch which, to me, translates to less idiots, more women, and just plain more fun for me. Writing this feels like tasting liquor for the first time, Bitter, and yet my lips wont let go of the bottle. I just find it hard to believe that so much has happened. Now i'm just waiting for my license to practice, after that, death will finally have another playmate.
--graydarksoul--
I never really knew what I wanted in life 4 years ago. I was still reeling from the thrill ride that is high school that when college and the future were shoved right in my face, I really didn’t care, I yawned and did whatever I had to get the people bugging me to get off my case. So one fateful day, I ended up in the halls of this alma mater, with pen and notebook in hand, and a schedule that bore the course name, Nursing. The Far Eastern University- Institute of Nursing was hyped to be a proverbial slaughterhouse for those who sought to call themselves nurses, and I was its live cattle. During my first days I always pondered whether I’d end up as a cut of prime rib or just another link in a sausage chain. That butchery was merciless most of the time when it wasn’t plagued by idiocy mostly from the higher ops and profs. I saw how the prime ribs are carved and how the sausages are stuffed I knew people from both, and even after all the slack ive been cutting myself, i'm no damn sausage. Id be lying if I said that Nursing was easy, that I sat on my a$$ most of the time or studied only when I felt like it, which is the formula to making sausage in this institute by the way. I’ve had my fair share of work that’s expected when others peoples lives are in your hands, yep I ate, breathed, drank and slept with Nursing. It was my mistress, and I, its faithful whipping boy, that was what it took to thrive in this place, everyday it slapped you in the face with that responsibility only those in the medical field must bear. When you get stage fright or forget lines here, someone actually dies, not out of fear, and its not you. So yeah, I did go through hell and back, but id go back anytime just to do it all over again.
Years passed and i've made new friends, lost old ones, met nursing women, got drunk with them, lost myself, found myself and to make this concise, got the full package of the entire college experience with a nursing touch which, to me, translates to less idiots, more women, and just plain more fun for me. Writing this feels like tasting liquor for the first time, Bitter, and yet my lips wont let go of the bottle. I just find it hard to believe that so much has happened. Now i'm just waiting for my license to practice, after that, death will finally have another playmate.
--graydarksoul--
435HA
“Your beautiful its true…and I don’t know what to do, I can never be with you”
-James blunt
I look at you from across the room
Dazed and bewildered, even when you look away
When I close my eyes you linger
Intoxicated, with every fleeting moment
Drifting in your stride, drowning in your presence
Though in silence I stagger, I wane
As this heart grows closer, fonder
Insatiably yearning for the familiarity
The casual stare, the jovial dialogue
To I, an unparalleled high
The warmth, the hearth,
Of being by your side
Of every stolen moment
Awakens once more a dormant hunger
A thirst for something deeper
-----------------------------------
Dare not speak its name
Once spoken, once heard
Once bore fruit
If spoken once more
Surely, it will be broken
Once and only once
Should I make the slightest whisper
The fragile silence, will lay in pieces
Only uncertainty will be left unveiled
So the silence remains
And you
A chapter never written
With the words left unspoken
-----------------------------------
Til this day I wear this façade
A congenial mask
Barely able to conceal
This insatiable yet, forbidden longing
After time and time again
Finding myself staring over the edge
Of this abyss of you
Barely being able to take
Even one step back
Like the lure of an enticing rose
Clasping it from its spiny cradle
Bleeding from its piercing thorns
Impaled deeply in my grip
But I am never able to take it as my own
It is the hardest thing ive had to do
Also, it is the reality I must endure
-----------------------------------
If I seem awkward, even at times cold
This distance ive made
It is for me
I am sorry, its not better this way
Know that it is by my own frailty
And I can do nothing else
For my will to endure this façade
Bearing heavily upon my heart
Wanes with each thought
Even with the slightest look in your eyes
You are an admonition
Of what I cannot allow myself to feel
Or do
Still I stare at you from afar
Lost, imprisoned in this silence
My rose, ive bled by your thorns
Though you may not know
You may not see
But given another place and time
My blood, would not be shed in vain
Would bloom and glisten with your crimson hue
And I will call you mine
And the silence would be no more.
--graydarksoul--
-James blunt
I look at you from across the room
Dazed and bewildered, even when you look away
When I close my eyes you linger
Intoxicated, with every fleeting moment
Drifting in your stride, drowning in your presence
Though in silence I stagger, I wane
As this heart grows closer, fonder
Insatiably yearning for the familiarity
The casual stare, the jovial dialogue
To I, an unparalleled high
The warmth, the hearth,
Of being by your side
Of every stolen moment
Awakens once more a dormant hunger
A thirst for something deeper
-----------------------------------
Dare not speak its name
Once spoken, once heard
Once bore fruit
If spoken once more
Surely, it will be broken
Once and only once
Should I make the slightest whisper
The fragile silence, will lay in pieces
Only uncertainty will be left unveiled
So the silence remains
And you
A chapter never written
With the words left unspoken
-----------------------------------
Til this day I wear this façade
A congenial mask
Barely able to conceal
This insatiable yet, forbidden longing
After time and time again
Finding myself staring over the edge
Of this abyss of you
Barely being able to take
Even one step back
Like the lure of an enticing rose
Clasping it from its spiny cradle
Bleeding from its piercing thorns
Impaled deeply in my grip
But I am never able to take it as my own
It is the hardest thing ive had to do
Also, it is the reality I must endure
-----------------------------------
If I seem awkward, even at times cold
This distance ive made
It is for me
I am sorry, its not better this way
Know that it is by my own frailty
And I can do nothing else
For my will to endure this façade
Bearing heavily upon my heart
Wanes with each thought
Even with the slightest look in your eyes
You are an admonition
Of what I cannot allow myself to feel
Or do
Still I stare at you from afar
Lost, imprisoned in this silence
My rose, ive bled by your thorns
Though you may not know
You may not see
But given another place and time
My blood, would not be shed in vain
Would bloom and glisten with your crimson hue
And I will call you mine
And the silence would be no more.
--graydarksoul--
Altered ego
Ever wondered how your inner demons grew so strong?
How they became so many
How the torture became so intense
Budding from a single doubt, fear, sorrow, grief, and disbelief
Amassing itself, steadily, surely, day by day,
Feeding its hunger, pushing me another step closer
To the darkness beyond death
Taking me apart piece by piece
While its jaws gnash and grind every string of flesh
Every shard and sinew of bone
Then vomits my soul, pulling me inches from the abyss
Then devours you all over again
Seemingly futile to fend
Resistance is the only repose
It is solace
It is my servitude
I never once held it back
Only amused it enough to come back another day
I cannot die by its hand, nor can death be its fate
It is my raging tempest
In its winds I perpetually flutter
In its torture, I writhe in anguish
The cold silence I languish
So how did my demons grow so strong?
Why wont they, I made them after all.
So take my life
Take my soul
Take whatever is left of me
Because I own you anyway
-graydarksoul-
How they became so many
How the torture became so intense
Budding from a single doubt, fear, sorrow, grief, and disbelief
Amassing itself, steadily, surely, day by day,
Feeding its hunger, pushing me another step closer
To the darkness beyond death
Taking me apart piece by piece
While its jaws gnash and grind every string of flesh
Every shard and sinew of bone
Then vomits my soul, pulling me inches from the abyss
Then devours you all over again
Seemingly futile to fend
Resistance is the only repose
It is solace
It is my servitude
I never once held it back
Only amused it enough to come back another day
I cannot die by its hand, nor can death be its fate
It is my raging tempest
In its winds I perpetually flutter
In its torture, I writhe in anguish
The cold silence I languish
So how did my demons grow so strong?
Why wont they, I made them after all.
So take my life
Take my soul
Take whatever is left of me
Because I own you anyway
-graydarksoul-
Dialogue with an ashtray
I take another match, make it spark
Nurture flame just born, and dying
Just enough, to breathe life
into this cigarette between my fingers
With the first puff, the cinder lights up
Flicker, your radiance defies the darkness
Even for a moment, then as ashes you fade
The smoke you breathe into me, I give back
As if a portrait of my soul
passing through my fingers
Taking apart this mortal frame
With every breath
My soul is exhumed
As another cloud is engulfed by the darkness
Still I take another puff
Sweet, Bitter, yet soothing
And as your flicker
Shall soon turn into ash
So soon shall I,
Meet the same fate
But now I shall burn brightly in the darkness
And let my essence linger on
Till I fade
We’re no different then
--graydarksoul--
Nurture flame just born, and dying
Just enough, to breathe life
into this cigarette between my fingers
With the first puff, the cinder lights up
Flicker, your radiance defies the darkness
Even for a moment, then as ashes you fade
The smoke you breathe into me, I give back
As if a portrait of my soul
passing through my fingers
Taking apart this mortal frame
With every breath
My soul is exhumed
As another cloud is engulfed by the darkness
Still I take another puff
Sweet, Bitter, yet soothing
And as your flicker
Shall soon turn into ash
So soon shall I,
Meet the same fate
But now I shall burn brightly in the darkness
And let my essence linger on
Till I fade
We’re no different then
--graydarksoul--
Ang paghahanap kay Juan Dela Cruz.
Mawalang galang lang po magtatanong lang sana ako, kung hindi niyo man ako matulungan, salamat na lang sa pakikinig mo at sana pareho tayong makarating sa paroroonan natin.
Kilala mo ba ang taong ito? Pasensya na ho kung medyo luma na itong larawang ito, pero kahit lukot, medyo punit, at malabo, pero ito na lang ang natitirang alaala ko sa kanya. Sa katunayan nga ho, hindi ko na rin alam kung ganyan na ang itsura niya ngayon. Marami po kasi siyang mga kapatid, meron hong lahing Tsino, Pranses, Hapon, Amerikano at marami pang ibang lahi. Ang gulo nga ho sa bahay namin, kanya kanyang away, kanya kanyang tampuhan , meron may problema, at meron ding gumagawa ng problema. Madalas nga, malayo ang loob nila sa isat isa, pero kung talagang kailangan naman, nagkakaisa din sila. Hindi na nga ho nakapagtataka na hindi sila magkakamukha, ibat iba din ang talento at antas ng kakayahan, at ibang iba ang ugali sa isat isa, pero, hindi ho isang bastardo ang nasa larawang yan, pati na ang lahat ng kanyang mga kapatid, dahil sa iisang bahay lang sila nakatira, parepareho silang kumakain sa isang hapag, at natutulog sa iisang kama, at higit sa lahat, mahal ko silang lahat, dahil iisa ang dugong dumadaloy sa aming mga ugat.
Ang tagal na ho ng pinagsamahan namin, parang mula pagkapanganak nga niya kilala ko na siya, ganun kami kalapit niyan, pero, pag naiisip ko yun, lalo lang ako nalulunkot, kasi sa tinagal-tagal ng pinagsamahan namin, hindi ko man lang namalayan na lumalayo na pala siya sakin. Wala naman sakin yung paunti-unting paglayo ng loob niya sa akin, minsan nakakalimutan niya ako, minsan hindi pinapansin, pwede mo na rin sabihin na nababalewala. Ayaw ko naman maging pabigat sa kanya, sa totoo nga, palagi kong sinusuportahan anuman ang balak niya, kahit mabigat sa kalooban ko, basta makapagpapasaya sa kanya. Ang gusto ko lang kasi, masukat niya ang hangganan ng kanyang kakayahan at potensyal, at maging mabuting tao. Oo, minsan talaga hindi ko na makayanan ang ginagawa niya sakin at hindi ko talaga mapigilan ang maiyak at magdusa ng tahimik, pero, sa pagtulo ng ilang luha, kasama na dun ang lahat ng hinanakit ko sa kanya, alam ko naman na kaya niya magbago, na magbabalik pa ang dating masayang pagsasama namin, kailangang ko lang na umasa, siguro, magtiis pa, at maghintay.
Pero isang araw, hindi ko na lang namalayan, pag lingon ko, wala na siya sa tabi ko, hindi naman siya nagpaalam sa akin o nagpasabi man lang. Basta bigla na lang siya umalis, at tila nawala nang bigla sa buhay ko. Inisip ko din nung una na babalik siya, parang nung dati, at maagap kong hinintay ang tunog ng katok sa aming pintuan o kaya kahit mga yapak niya na papalapit sa aming bakuran. Pero hindi siya dumating, at tila, hindi na siya babalik sa akin. Alam ko namang darating din ang araw na mangyayari yun, pero hindi pa rin ako naniwala. Dun ko na rin naiisip na hanapin siya. Kung saan saan na nga ho ako napadpad, sa mga kabundukan,sa mga siyudad, pati nga mga eskinita at bilangguan hinanap ko siya. Hindi ko nga alam kung palagi lang ako namamalikmata pero marami siyang kahawig at kaugali, pero hindi ko naman sila kamaganak, at hindi rin siya ang hinahanap ko. Parang nalibot ko na nga ho ang buong mundo, wala pa rin akong makita, kahit bahid man lang ng pinanggalingan niya. Pero bago ko pa nga nararating ang dulo ng isang lugar, ang iniisip ko na agad, kung saan ko pa kaya siya pwedeng hanapin. Tila nauubos na ang kabataan ko sa paglalakbay na ito, pero ayos lang, kasi hindi na mahalaga kung kumunat ang aking mga buto, manlabo ang aking paningin, at unti-unti nang tumigil ang pagtibok ng puso ko, basta hahanapin ko siya. Iniisip ko na lang na parang naglalaro kami ng taguan, na pag nakita ko siya, siya naman ang taya. Tapos, pipilitin kong ngumiti at itutuloy ang paghahanap.
At nandito na ako ngayon, umaasa na may estrangherong makapagbibigay sa akin ng kahit kaunting pag asa na buhay siya at nasa mabuting kalagayan, at higit sa lahat, pag-asang, babalik pa siya sa akin. Pasensya ka na, hindi ko talagang mapigilang maluha, salamat sa panyo mo, iho. Ah ayan na pala ang bus na hinihintay mo, salamat sa iyong pakikinig, ay bago ka umalis iho, kung sa iyong paglalakbay ay makadaupang palad mo man lang ang aking anak, paki sabi na lang na hinahanap siya ng kanyang ina at hinihintay na ang kanyang pagbabalik. At sa iyo anak, pagpalain ka ng Diyos, saan ka man dalin ng iyong paglalakbay…
-Oscar-
Kilala mo ba ang taong ito? Pasensya na ho kung medyo luma na itong larawang ito, pero kahit lukot, medyo punit, at malabo, pero ito na lang ang natitirang alaala ko sa kanya. Sa katunayan nga ho, hindi ko na rin alam kung ganyan na ang itsura niya ngayon. Marami po kasi siyang mga kapatid, meron hong lahing Tsino, Pranses, Hapon, Amerikano at marami pang ibang lahi. Ang gulo nga ho sa bahay namin, kanya kanyang away, kanya kanyang tampuhan , meron may problema, at meron ding gumagawa ng problema. Madalas nga, malayo ang loob nila sa isat isa, pero kung talagang kailangan naman, nagkakaisa din sila. Hindi na nga ho nakapagtataka na hindi sila magkakamukha, ibat iba din ang talento at antas ng kakayahan, at ibang iba ang ugali sa isat isa, pero, hindi ho isang bastardo ang nasa larawang yan, pati na ang lahat ng kanyang mga kapatid, dahil sa iisang bahay lang sila nakatira, parepareho silang kumakain sa isang hapag, at natutulog sa iisang kama, at higit sa lahat, mahal ko silang lahat, dahil iisa ang dugong dumadaloy sa aming mga ugat.
Ang tagal na ho ng pinagsamahan namin, parang mula pagkapanganak nga niya kilala ko na siya, ganun kami kalapit niyan, pero, pag naiisip ko yun, lalo lang ako nalulunkot, kasi sa tinagal-tagal ng pinagsamahan namin, hindi ko man lang namalayan na lumalayo na pala siya sakin. Wala naman sakin yung paunti-unting paglayo ng loob niya sa akin, minsan nakakalimutan niya ako, minsan hindi pinapansin, pwede mo na rin sabihin na nababalewala. Ayaw ko naman maging pabigat sa kanya, sa totoo nga, palagi kong sinusuportahan anuman ang balak niya, kahit mabigat sa kalooban ko, basta makapagpapasaya sa kanya. Ang gusto ko lang kasi, masukat niya ang hangganan ng kanyang kakayahan at potensyal, at maging mabuting tao. Oo, minsan talaga hindi ko na makayanan ang ginagawa niya sakin at hindi ko talaga mapigilan ang maiyak at magdusa ng tahimik, pero, sa pagtulo ng ilang luha, kasama na dun ang lahat ng hinanakit ko sa kanya, alam ko naman na kaya niya magbago, na magbabalik pa ang dating masayang pagsasama namin, kailangang ko lang na umasa, siguro, magtiis pa, at maghintay.
Pero isang araw, hindi ko na lang namalayan, pag lingon ko, wala na siya sa tabi ko, hindi naman siya nagpaalam sa akin o nagpasabi man lang. Basta bigla na lang siya umalis, at tila nawala nang bigla sa buhay ko. Inisip ko din nung una na babalik siya, parang nung dati, at maagap kong hinintay ang tunog ng katok sa aming pintuan o kaya kahit mga yapak niya na papalapit sa aming bakuran. Pero hindi siya dumating, at tila, hindi na siya babalik sa akin. Alam ko namang darating din ang araw na mangyayari yun, pero hindi pa rin ako naniwala. Dun ko na rin naiisip na hanapin siya. Kung saan saan na nga ho ako napadpad, sa mga kabundukan,sa mga siyudad, pati nga mga eskinita at bilangguan hinanap ko siya. Hindi ko nga alam kung palagi lang ako namamalikmata pero marami siyang kahawig at kaugali, pero hindi ko naman sila kamaganak, at hindi rin siya ang hinahanap ko. Parang nalibot ko na nga ho ang buong mundo, wala pa rin akong makita, kahit bahid man lang ng pinanggalingan niya. Pero bago ko pa nga nararating ang dulo ng isang lugar, ang iniisip ko na agad, kung saan ko pa kaya siya pwedeng hanapin. Tila nauubos na ang kabataan ko sa paglalakbay na ito, pero ayos lang, kasi hindi na mahalaga kung kumunat ang aking mga buto, manlabo ang aking paningin, at unti-unti nang tumigil ang pagtibok ng puso ko, basta hahanapin ko siya. Iniisip ko na lang na parang naglalaro kami ng taguan, na pag nakita ko siya, siya naman ang taya. Tapos, pipilitin kong ngumiti at itutuloy ang paghahanap.
At nandito na ako ngayon, umaasa na may estrangherong makapagbibigay sa akin ng kahit kaunting pag asa na buhay siya at nasa mabuting kalagayan, at higit sa lahat, pag-asang, babalik pa siya sa akin. Pasensya ka na, hindi ko talagang mapigilang maluha, salamat sa panyo mo, iho. Ah ayan na pala ang bus na hinihintay mo, salamat sa iyong pakikinig, ay bago ka umalis iho, kung sa iyong paglalakbay ay makadaupang palad mo man lang ang aking anak, paki sabi na lang na hinahanap siya ng kanyang ina at hinihintay na ang kanyang pagbabalik. At sa iyo anak, pagpalain ka ng Diyos, saan ka man dalin ng iyong paglalakbay…
-Oscar-
Something for the world
Have you ever gotten out of bed and felt like the world was wrong? Ever took a walk outside and saw that society is crooked? Ever looked into the mirror and saw the root of all that’s wrong in this world? I have. The world is such as messed up place, and I begin to wonder how im still able to wake up to another morning when I just stuck my head under a guillotine yesterday. Sure the world has its upsides, but for every inch of bliss theres seemingly a mile of strife to tread.
I pondered why the world is in such a state, and the magnitude of it all is just overwhelming and even seemingly ridiculous to scrutinize. In the process, I remember the song, “What a wonderful world”, nice song, listening to it is like a nice strong shot of morphine to the head. The adjective “wonderful” is in itself quite a vague, abstract and almost intangible concept. Wonderful could refer to glorious as the beauty of creation but could also be used to describe the delicate elgance of brutal carnage and death to the same degree. Perhaps this is what makes this particular song what it is, a song, an embodiment of someones actual thoughts and emotions of how he saw the world or of how the world should be, transformed into verse and mated with melody.
But still I remember seeing myself in the mirror, it felt like pandoras box was opened with these hands, releasing the tempest of human strife that just blitzkriegs everything in its path, but in thend hope is still left in these frail and shaking hands.
-graydarksoul-
I pondered why the world is in such a state, and the magnitude of it all is just overwhelming and even seemingly ridiculous to scrutinize. In the process, I remember the song, “What a wonderful world”, nice song, listening to it is like a nice strong shot of morphine to the head. The adjective “wonderful” is in itself quite a vague, abstract and almost intangible concept. Wonderful could refer to glorious as the beauty of creation but could also be used to describe the delicate elgance of brutal carnage and death to the same degree. Perhaps this is what makes this particular song what it is, a song, an embodiment of someones actual thoughts and emotions of how he saw the world or of how the world should be, transformed into verse and mated with melody.
But still I remember seeing myself in the mirror, it felt like pandoras box was opened with these hands, releasing the tempest of human strife that just blitzkriegs everything in its path, but in thend hope is still left in these frail and shaking hands.
-graydarksoul-
Binhi
Sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ako magsusulat sa lenguaheng Pilipino dahil sa may gamay ko ang estilo ng pagsulat sa Ingles sa parehong texto at kontexto nito, at dahil sa personal na dahilan, na hindi ako susulat para sa kahit kanino kundi para lamang sa aking pansariling ksaiyahan lamang. Pero iba ito sa lahat ng ibang isinulat ko. Hindi ito para sa akin kundi para sa Lahat ng makakabsaa nito, na kung mabasa at maunawaan ang talatang ito ay maramdaman din niya ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong isulat ang binabasa mo ngayon.
Nakapanood ka ba ng TV? Hindi ko tatanungin sayo kung ano na ang nanyari sa telenovela mo o kung sino ang nanalo sa boxing, wala din akong pakialam sa bagong MTV na napanood mo, kahit kung commercial man lang, ilipat mo naman sa balita, oo kahit CNN o newsflash man lang ok na, basta manood ka na, at itabi mo muna yang remote na hawak mo.
Nakapagbasa ka na ba ng diyaryo? Hay naku, paki tabi muna yang horoscope at komiks please, mamaya mo na isipin yang crossword na yan at makapaghihintay yang Xerex at hindi naman magdadamit Filipiniana yang centerfold ng FHM kung ilalapag mo lang ng ilang minuto. Mamaya ka na din maghanap ng trabaho, bahay, Apartment,escort service, taga punas ng pwet ng aso mo at kung ano man yang binubutingting mo dyan, oo alam ko sinisipag ka pero dedemonyohin muna kita para sa pansarili mong kapakanan, kumuha ka na ng kape at humanap ng magandang pwesto, heto na ang diyaryo.
At sa mga nag lalaro ng PS2, PC, Atari at Bey blade dyan magsave na at ibaba ang mga controller na hawak nyo, sa mga nagbabasketbol, tennis, golf, at black 123 dyan pahinga muna din kayo kahit na amoy suka at tubig dagat na kayo makisawsaw muna kayo sa mga nanonood ng TV at nagbabasa ng diyaryo diyan. Malay niyo kung magpapatuloy ang mga pangyayari sa kasalukuyan e mawalang silbi na ang inyong Telebisyon at parang bond paper na lang ang mabili mong magazine, at sa huli pati ang paghinga mo e kaya nang putulin lang ng kung sino na parang hindi ka nagbayad ng bill sa kuryente.
Nanonood o nagbabasa ka na ba, Ano na nga ba ang nangyayari ngayon? Alam mo na ba tinutukoy ko? O sige para sa walang common sense o mahina ang mata, e2 anibersaryo na ng EDSA I, anong espesyal dito? Wala naman masyado, lahat naman siguro tayo nakakaita na o nakachismis na ng welga, rally, o ano pang tawag niyo diyan. Kung wala kang pakialam sa dinamidami nang rally na nakita mo, hindi kita pipilitin at masisisi kasi nakakasawa naman talaga, pero kung dati ay hindi mo napapansin at nararamdaman ng pagkawalan ng kalayaan, tama muna ang dedmahan natin kasi kailangan ko kayo, kasi apektado din ako, malapit na mawala ang karapatan kong maging manhid at maging masaya. Di ba parehas lang tayo makikinabang?
O sige, pare-pareho naman tayong sandali lang ang attention span dito heto na ang summary: Nagkakagulo na ang Pilipinas, mula pa nung mapansin kong: 1. Pilipino ako 2. Wala akong ginagawa para baguhin to. Malamang ang unang reaksyon nyo e, “Eh, ungas ka pala eh, wala naman tayong kinalaman diyan, at ano naman ang magagawa ko diyan?” Sasabihin ko lang ang naisip kong sagot sa tanong na yan ng habang naglilibang din ako tulad nyo sa MTV at FHM ay nalingat ako at parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig na may piranha, bigla akong natauhan. Dahil Pilipino ako, hindi ko karapatan ang magkaroon ng pakialam, Dapat lang may pakialam ako dahil Pilipino ako.
Kung tatanungin nyo na kung ano ginawa ng Pilipinas na maganda para sa inyo e, uunahan ko na kayo sa pagsagot ng isang malutong na, WALA!, wala, wala at higit sa lahat e, wala. Sa Pilipinas ako pinanganak na malnourished, pinagpasapasahan, nadapa, tinapakan, bumangon at tinulak ulit at pinagtawanan at pinandilatan ng lipunan. Hindi ko rin makakalimutan na sa Pilipinas ako namulat sa kasamaan ng tao, namulat sa sarili kong kasamaan, dito ako naholdap, nadukutan, tinankang patayin, muntik nang mamatay, abusuhin ng may kapangyarihan, at nagbabadyang ma-rape, mamatay sa stampede, ma-salvage, maghirap, mamatay sa gutom o sa kamay ng adik, at kainin ng lupa at maging pagkain na ng mga bulate.
Pero alam ko din na humihinga ako dahil sa hangin ng Pilipinas, wag nang pansinin kung polluted pa yan, Naglalakad at naglalaro sa lupa ng Pilipinas, di bale na din kung matisod ka sa mga lubak o makatapak ng tae. At higit sa lahat dito nakatirik lahat ng gawa ng mga taong naglalagi dito sa Pilipinas, kung wala ang Pilipinas hindi ka makakapag shopping sa mall, makakapaglaro ng Ragnarok at Freestyle, Makakakain ng ice cream at pasta, Hindi ka makakapanood ng play o makakapunta sa gimikan, bar, disco o motel kung hindi itatayo ang mga ito sa pilipinas. Ngayong alam ko na ang mga iyon eh, matibay na ang aking paniniwala na, wala nga akong dapat ipagpasalamat sa kumag na Pilipinas na toh. Pero may isang bagay na dapat naunawaan o na-gets natin sa Pilipinas habang tayo ay abala sa lahat at anumang bagay na inaatupag natin. Humihingi ng tulong sa atin ang Pilipinas, ang tanong ko ngayon, ano na ba ang ginawa mo? Oo ikaw nga na nagbabasa nito, isamamo na rin yung mga namamanhid na ang pwet sa tapat ng TV at mga hindi na lumabas sa CR habang nagbabasa ng FHM.
Kung tatanigin mo ako kung ano nga ba ang pwede mong gawin, mas mabuti pang panoorin mo na lang tumubo ang damo dyan sa bakuran mo o pakinggan ang huni ng electric fan at aircon kasi wala akong maisasagot as inyo. Kanya kanyang diskarte na lang to tol’. Pwede kayong mag pakamartir at matulog na kasama ng ibang bayani sa paglalagay ng bulls-eye sa likod nyo at “Fuego” na ang huling salita na gugulat sayo. Pwede kang magatayo ng babasahing tumutuligsa sa mga kasamaan ng lipunan tulad ng kahirapan, corruption,at mga corny jokes at chicksilog. Kung gusto mo lagyan mo na din ng centerfold ni Paris Hilton na nakaliyad, para mas malalong maginit ang dugo ng mga mambabasa mo. Tapos pag pinasara ka, ng mga nabitin mong mambabasa ang magsisimula ng WWIII. Basta may impact, gumagawa ng lamat sa styrofoam na balat ng lipunan, hindi mo kailangan baguhin ang kasaysayan sa isang hawi lang ng iyong kamay pero hindi pa tapos ang kwento mo at ng Pilipinas na palamunin ka at alila mo, bahala ka na magsulat ng sarili mong kwento. Ang alam ko lang kung may nagbabasa man nitong textong ito e bahala na kayo kung ililipat nyo na ng channel ang pinapanood nyo o itutuloy nyo na ang pagbabasa niyo sa banyo, dahil ito ay hindi lang para sa iyo at sakin, ito na ang hawi ng aking kamay, sisimulan ko nang baguhin ang kasaysayan, ikaw ano na ang balak mo?
“..Gumising na mga Ubeng, hukayin ang nakalibing, na alay mo.”
-Dicta license”Alay sa nagkamalay noong dekada 90.”
-Oscar
Nakapanood ka ba ng TV? Hindi ko tatanungin sayo kung ano na ang nanyari sa telenovela mo o kung sino ang nanalo sa boxing, wala din akong pakialam sa bagong MTV na napanood mo, kahit kung commercial man lang, ilipat mo naman sa balita, oo kahit CNN o newsflash man lang ok na, basta manood ka na, at itabi mo muna yang remote na hawak mo.
Nakapagbasa ka na ba ng diyaryo? Hay naku, paki tabi muna yang horoscope at komiks please, mamaya mo na isipin yang crossword na yan at makapaghihintay yang Xerex at hindi naman magdadamit Filipiniana yang centerfold ng FHM kung ilalapag mo lang ng ilang minuto. Mamaya ka na din maghanap ng trabaho, bahay, Apartment,escort service, taga punas ng pwet ng aso mo at kung ano man yang binubutingting mo dyan, oo alam ko sinisipag ka pero dedemonyohin muna kita para sa pansarili mong kapakanan, kumuha ka na ng kape at humanap ng magandang pwesto, heto na ang diyaryo.
At sa mga nag lalaro ng PS2, PC, Atari at Bey blade dyan magsave na at ibaba ang mga controller na hawak nyo, sa mga nagbabasketbol, tennis, golf, at black 123 dyan pahinga muna din kayo kahit na amoy suka at tubig dagat na kayo makisawsaw muna kayo sa mga nanonood ng TV at nagbabasa ng diyaryo diyan. Malay niyo kung magpapatuloy ang mga pangyayari sa kasalukuyan e mawalang silbi na ang inyong Telebisyon at parang bond paper na lang ang mabili mong magazine, at sa huli pati ang paghinga mo e kaya nang putulin lang ng kung sino na parang hindi ka nagbayad ng bill sa kuryente.
Nanonood o nagbabasa ka na ba, Ano na nga ba ang nangyayari ngayon? Alam mo na ba tinutukoy ko? O sige para sa walang common sense o mahina ang mata, e2 anibersaryo na ng EDSA I, anong espesyal dito? Wala naman masyado, lahat naman siguro tayo nakakaita na o nakachismis na ng welga, rally, o ano pang tawag niyo diyan. Kung wala kang pakialam sa dinamidami nang rally na nakita mo, hindi kita pipilitin at masisisi kasi nakakasawa naman talaga, pero kung dati ay hindi mo napapansin at nararamdaman ng pagkawalan ng kalayaan, tama muna ang dedmahan natin kasi kailangan ko kayo, kasi apektado din ako, malapit na mawala ang karapatan kong maging manhid at maging masaya. Di ba parehas lang tayo makikinabang?
O sige, pare-pareho naman tayong sandali lang ang attention span dito heto na ang summary: Nagkakagulo na ang Pilipinas, mula pa nung mapansin kong: 1. Pilipino ako 2. Wala akong ginagawa para baguhin to. Malamang ang unang reaksyon nyo e, “Eh, ungas ka pala eh, wala naman tayong kinalaman diyan, at ano naman ang magagawa ko diyan?” Sasabihin ko lang ang naisip kong sagot sa tanong na yan ng habang naglilibang din ako tulad nyo sa MTV at FHM ay nalingat ako at parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig na may piranha, bigla akong natauhan. Dahil Pilipino ako, hindi ko karapatan ang magkaroon ng pakialam, Dapat lang may pakialam ako dahil Pilipino ako.
Kung tatanungin nyo na kung ano ginawa ng Pilipinas na maganda para sa inyo e, uunahan ko na kayo sa pagsagot ng isang malutong na, WALA!, wala, wala at higit sa lahat e, wala. Sa Pilipinas ako pinanganak na malnourished, pinagpasapasahan, nadapa, tinapakan, bumangon at tinulak ulit at pinagtawanan at pinandilatan ng lipunan. Hindi ko rin makakalimutan na sa Pilipinas ako namulat sa kasamaan ng tao, namulat sa sarili kong kasamaan, dito ako naholdap, nadukutan, tinankang patayin, muntik nang mamatay, abusuhin ng may kapangyarihan, at nagbabadyang ma-rape, mamatay sa stampede, ma-salvage, maghirap, mamatay sa gutom o sa kamay ng adik, at kainin ng lupa at maging pagkain na ng mga bulate.
Pero alam ko din na humihinga ako dahil sa hangin ng Pilipinas, wag nang pansinin kung polluted pa yan, Naglalakad at naglalaro sa lupa ng Pilipinas, di bale na din kung matisod ka sa mga lubak o makatapak ng tae. At higit sa lahat dito nakatirik lahat ng gawa ng mga taong naglalagi dito sa Pilipinas, kung wala ang Pilipinas hindi ka makakapag shopping sa mall, makakapaglaro ng Ragnarok at Freestyle, Makakakain ng ice cream at pasta, Hindi ka makakapanood ng play o makakapunta sa gimikan, bar, disco o motel kung hindi itatayo ang mga ito sa pilipinas. Ngayong alam ko na ang mga iyon eh, matibay na ang aking paniniwala na, wala nga akong dapat ipagpasalamat sa kumag na Pilipinas na toh. Pero may isang bagay na dapat naunawaan o na-gets natin sa Pilipinas habang tayo ay abala sa lahat at anumang bagay na inaatupag natin. Humihingi ng tulong sa atin ang Pilipinas, ang tanong ko ngayon, ano na ba ang ginawa mo? Oo ikaw nga na nagbabasa nito, isamamo na rin yung mga namamanhid na ang pwet sa tapat ng TV at mga hindi na lumabas sa CR habang nagbabasa ng FHM.
Kung tatanigin mo ako kung ano nga ba ang pwede mong gawin, mas mabuti pang panoorin mo na lang tumubo ang damo dyan sa bakuran mo o pakinggan ang huni ng electric fan at aircon kasi wala akong maisasagot as inyo. Kanya kanyang diskarte na lang to tol’. Pwede kayong mag pakamartir at matulog na kasama ng ibang bayani sa paglalagay ng bulls-eye sa likod nyo at “Fuego” na ang huling salita na gugulat sayo. Pwede kang magatayo ng babasahing tumutuligsa sa mga kasamaan ng lipunan tulad ng kahirapan, corruption,at mga corny jokes at chicksilog. Kung gusto mo lagyan mo na din ng centerfold ni Paris Hilton na nakaliyad, para mas malalong maginit ang dugo ng mga mambabasa mo. Tapos pag pinasara ka, ng mga nabitin mong mambabasa ang magsisimula ng WWIII. Basta may impact, gumagawa ng lamat sa styrofoam na balat ng lipunan, hindi mo kailangan baguhin ang kasaysayan sa isang hawi lang ng iyong kamay pero hindi pa tapos ang kwento mo at ng Pilipinas na palamunin ka at alila mo, bahala ka na magsulat ng sarili mong kwento. Ang alam ko lang kung may nagbabasa man nitong textong ito e bahala na kayo kung ililipat nyo na ng channel ang pinapanood nyo o itutuloy nyo na ang pagbabasa niyo sa banyo, dahil ito ay hindi lang para sa iyo at sakin, ito na ang hawi ng aking kamay, sisimulan ko nang baguhin ang kasaysayan, ikaw ano na ang balak mo?
“..Gumising na mga Ubeng, hukayin ang nakalibing, na alay mo.”
-Dicta license”Alay sa nagkamalay noong dekada 90.”
-Oscar
Reflections from the idiot box: Faith and my eleven foot pole
When I was writing this very sentence, I was wondering why im writing about this topic that hell knows I shouldn’t even touch with a ten foot pole, but I am anyway. You see ive seen a lot of crap on TV, the local news, stupid cartoons, soaps, commercials, re-runs, bad episodes, hmm.. now that I think about it its much more acurate to say that TV is composed of mostly crap. No, this particular program isnt the cream of the crap, its actually what I would refer to as a “mandatory quality program” because if you think otherwise, there’d be hell to pay, literally. So why did this particualr proram seemingly hit a raw nerve and fueled angry keystrokes and angst filled mouseclicks? Heres a story.
I happened to flip onto a certain religious network which I shall not name with all respect to all religion, teology, and to the Almighty himself. Now, this program was in an “objective” dicussion about anothers religions religious doctrine and to make a long story short, the whole discussion just sreams out in context, “that’s wrong, look at us were right, so what are you still doing believing something false, join us now, we’re right remember?” So at this point, most of you would have probably filled out all the “certains” ive used so far, for those who havent, jeez, do something about it. Ill admit, im Catholic, not a devout one im sure, and don’t get me wrong there is absolutely no love lost if someone badmouths my relgion and vice-versa. But I don’t think that religion is supposed to dictate what anyone should believe in. Just 2 things qualifys me to say that the guys in this program are total A-holes,1. I have free will and therefore can think and decide for myself what is right, and 2, we al use the term “faith” synonymously with our religion so, if what you believe in is what should be followed you should not be called a religion, but a constitution. Religion to me is just another great formula to make Utopia, but as its executed fails miserably, and what we get is just pieces of burining wreckage that hardly even leaves a trace of what its supposed to be. Any problems with that? Okay, heres a question, is the world perfect? I rest my case.
Ooh, im going to talk about religion, I better watch what I say this time or else huh? Since arguing in absolutely anything religious is as meaningful as the egg or chicken came first debate, im not touching any of it. Instead I will talk about what really makes a perfect world, and what religion is really supposed to accomplish. So im making my first and only point in this entire discourse with a question, Can man exist without religion? Well it doesn’t fill our lungs or stuff our stomachs. Oh yeah its supposed to keep us from killing each other, well, most of the time anyway. And can Religion exist without man? No.
I believe in man. Yes, I believe in man and his so called “humanity” which is the root cause of all that is wrong in this earthly plain, and is most likely going to be the reason why he will be annihilated from it. I believe in the innate “goodness” of man that drives him to kill, cheat, steal, corrupt, desecrate, and profane everything he can get his hands on. Yes, I believe that most of us including myself are all a part of this formless blob that has an endless hunger and is continually consuming itself called society. But, I also believe, that among these blasphemers, the murderers, thieves, and the downright wicked, still exists humanity, the same humanity that, day in and day out, will always render the choice whether to wallow and drown in this cesspool of oblivion or to start struggling against the current and actually start making the pages of the books and teachings of faith a reality for all. It doesn’t really matter what God I believe in or what teachings I preach and follow. We’re all looking at the same thing, just through different eyes. That is what I believe in.
-graydarksoul-
I happened to flip onto a certain religious network which I shall not name with all respect to all religion, teology, and to the Almighty himself. Now, this program was in an “objective” dicussion about anothers religions religious doctrine and to make a long story short, the whole discussion just sreams out in context, “that’s wrong, look at us were right, so what are you still doing believing something false, join us now, we’re right remember?” So at this point, most of you would have probably filled out all the “certains” ive used so far, for those who havent, jeez, do something about it. Ill admit, im Catholic, not a devout one im sure, and don’t get me wrong there is absolutely no love lost if someone badmouths my relgion and vice-versa. But I don’t think that religion is supposed to dictate what anyone should believe in. Just 2 things qualifys me to say that the guys in this program are total A-holes,1. I have free will and therefore can think and decide for myself what is right, and 2, we al use the term “faith” synonymously with our religion so, if what you believe in is what should be followed you should not be called a religion, but a constitution. Religion to me is just another great formula to make Utopia, but as its executed fails miserably, and what we get is just pieces of burining wreckage that hardly even leaves a trace of what its supposed to be. Any problems with that? Okay, heres a question, is the world perfect? I rest my case.
Ooh, im going to talk about religion, I better watch what I say this time or else huh? Since arguing in absolutely anything religious is as meaningful as the egg or chicken came first debate, im not touching any of it. Instead I will talk about what really makes a perfect world, and what religion is really supposed to accomplish. So im making my first and only point in this entire discourse with a question, Can man exist without religion? Well it doesn’t fill our lungs or stuff our stomachs. Oh yeah its supposed to keep us from killing each other, well, most of the time anyway. And can Religion exist without man? No.
I believe in man. Yes, I believe in man and his so called “humanity” which is the root cause of all that is wrong in this earthly plain, and is most likely going to be the reason why he will be annihilated from it. I believe in the innate “goodness” of man that drives him to kill, cheat, steal, corrupt, desecrate, and profane everything he can get his hands on. Yes, I believe that most of us including myself are all a part of this formless blob that has an endless hunger and is continually consuming itself called society. But, I also believe, that among these blasphemers, the murderers, thieves, and the downright wicked, still exists humanity, the same humanity that, day in and day out, will always render the choice whether to wallow and drown in this cesspool of oblivion or to start struggling against the current and actually start making the pages of the books and teachings of faith a reality for all. It doesn’t really matter what God I believe in or what teachings I preach and follow. We’re all looking at the same thing, just through different eyes. That is what I believe in.
-graydarksoul-
The sidewalk
Scene: A couple inside a fastfood joint in Morayta,
Manila
//:Bhe, look people on the streets again
/:yeah, we’d better get home soon, anyway that’s nothing new here, what is it this time anyway?
//: It’s the same as yesterday, still accusing that president of cheating, ergo asking, no telling her to resign.
/:How pitiful, I just hope things wont get violent this time
//:They chose to be there, they know what can happen.
/:Seems kind of pointless
//:Theres no other way for them, I guess
/:I just hope we don’t get involved in the violence
//:I’ll protect you.
/:I know, so lets just enjoy our lunch and get out of here soon ok?
//:……
/:……whats wrong Bhe? Don’t like the food?
//:The food is fine
//:I just don’t like the taste in my mouth.
-graydarksoul-
Manila
//:Bhe, look people on the streets again
/:yeah, we’d better get home soon, anyway that’s nothing new here, what is it this time anyway?
//: It’s the same as yesterday, still accusing that president of cheating, ergo asking, no telling her to resign.
/:How pitiful, I just hope things wont get violent this time
//:They chose to be there, they know what can happen.
/:Seems kind of pointless
//:Theres no other way for them, I guess
/:I just hope we don’t get involved in the violence
//:I’ll protect you.
/:I know, so lets just enjoy our lunch and get out of here soon ok?
//:……
/:……whats wrong Bhe? Don’t like the food?
//:The food is fine
//:I just don’t like the taste in my mouth.
-graydarksoul-
Constitution of manipulation: a review of “The 48 laws of power” by R.Greene
“Absolutely evil.” as my Rizal prof so bluntly put it, a man trained to dig his toes in the midline, and views academics in any form as objectively as possible. The title itself immediately struck my fancy, and with that cryptic remark by one of my mentors, my throat parched, and I sought out the nectar from the pages of this piece of text.
One day, After I pulling a lot of strings I managed to get hold of a copy of “The 48 laws of power” the author rung no bells, it was a typical soft bound, and nothing really stole my attention. But something stirred within me, remembering once more the words of my mentor, and the thirst that plagued me, these pages held the promise of something different from my usual repertoire of philosophy, satire, classical, and Zafran literature, and as I opened the crimson cover, the promise came to fruition. Like Eve, tasting the fruit of knowledge, I was suspended in an existential awareness that lingered long after the bookmark and been set and the book laid to rest. And even in my respite, as I dream, it haunts, pierces, and remakes this already corrupted soul. He wasn’t kidding, and reading the book felt like staring into a mirror and talking to myself.
The book utilizes the most primitive yet, most effective pedagogy known to man as vector for its boundless wisdom, learning by example. The reading the book feels like listening to your world history and social science professor spliced with the almost diabolical genius of Gracian, Machiavelli, and other wise men of old. The concept of “power” in the book is quite simple, its wanting something and utilizing any means to obtain it. Power is an entity that exists with physics, constants exist, and variables can be manipulated. For each law transgressions, observances, and reversals are cited in detail and more importantly the keys to utilizing a certain law is emphasized.
There’s no spoon feeding here, most of the people who read this book were uneasy with the concept of power mentioned in the text, and others simply lost interest and gave up out of boredom, brain cell burn out is what I like to call it. This book requires a certain level of both rational thinking and figurative thought to fully grasp the content and context of each law. The laws are so well detailed in fact that, most likely after finishing one law, one will be often left saying to oneself, “now there’s an idea.” As for application, well like a wise man once said, “power is in itself belligerent, for it will bend to any will, but will truly serve no master.”
Now as for the book being evil, perhaps, culture itself has equated power and its wielders as wicked, and the weak as righteous. Partially true, I have no grounds in arguing with culture itself but, the one law that governs all 48 is one unwritten in the book but is essential in each of the 48, it is the power over oneself. Good or evil will follow after that fact.
--graydarksoul--
One day, After I pulling a lot of strings I managed to get hold of a copy of “The 48 laws of power” the author rung no bells, it was a typical soft bound, and nothing really stole my attention. But something stirred within me, remembering once more the words of my mentor, and the thirst that plagued me, these pages held the promise of something different from my usual repertoire of philosophy, satire, classical, and Zafran literature, and as I opened the crimson cover, the promise came to fruition. Like Eve, tasting the fruit of knowledge, I was suspended in an existential awareness that lingered long after the bookmark and been set and the book laid to rest. And even in my respite, as I dream, it haunts, pierces, and remakes this already corrupted soul. He wasn’t kidding, and reading the book felt like staring into a mirror and talking to myself.
The book utilizes the most primitive yet, most effective pedagogy known to man as vector for its boundless wisdom, learning by example. The reading the book feels like listening to your world history and social science professor spliced with the almost diabolical genius of Gracian, Machiavelli, and other wise men of old. The concept of “power” in the book is quite simple, its wanting something and utilizing any means to obtain it. Power is an entity that exists with physics, constants exist, and variables can be manipulated. For each law transgressions, observances, and reversals are cited in detail and more importantly the keys to utilizing a certain law is emphasized.
There’s no spoon feeding here, most of the people who read this book were uneasy with the concept of power mentioned in the text, and others simply lost interest and gave up out of boredom, brain cell burn out is what I like to call it. This book requires a certain level of both rational thinking and figurative thought to fully grasp the content and context of each law. The laws are so well detailed in fact that, most likely after finishing one law, one will be often left saying to oneself, “now there’s an idea.” As for application, well like a wise man once said, “power is in itself belligerent, for it will bend to any will, but will truly serve no master.”
Now as for the book being evil, perhaps, culture itself has equated power and its wielders as wicked, and the weak as righteous. Partially true, I have no grounds in arguing with culture itself but, the one law that governs all 48 is one unwritten in the book but is essential in each of the 48, it is the power over oneself. Good or evil will follow after that fact.
--graydarksoul--
Sober in love: swing or steady?
So what about love? Well, like I said before love is like putting a 2 piece puzzle together, love is one piece, the other, commitment. That doesn’t sound so bad right? Well it is true that when you get one piece of that puzzle in place, the other follows, depending on your perspective, but,as flashy and tempting as love and commitment sound, when you take that path, well, you be the judge. I can honestly say that, love and the commitment it entails really isn’t for everyone even if its marketed as such and same goes for singlehood. Actually putting in the effort to find and maintain a girlfriend is like buying beachfront property and building a home there, and the temptation to live somewhere else is not even half the battle because personally the familiarity and the sheer boredom and annoyance that develops from the constant wear and tear of the house you put yourself through is what really sucks. Oh, and you never know when that big wave is just going to creep up and obliterate every grain of sand and shard of glass in that seemingly perfect home you built and occupy. Trust me, im not in any way discouraging people from looking for love, im just saying that they should wear safety gear and fasten their seat belt because its going to be a rough ride.
So what about singlehood? Well, this path is a lot more diverse than its more simple companion. Singlehood itself is a way to find love eventually, it all depends on what you want to achieve. Lets just say that you are looking for love, hooking up and casual dating is like looking at the tabs in a porn site, just so many to choose from in so little time. It does get tedious though, looking for love like this is like trying to win the lottery, plenty of good numbers but it just doesn’t seem to work out. People are often too busy looking for that proverbial “spark” that they don’t even bother to scratch the surface of the person they’re with, or do they. So the selection process does take a while but if your skilled(or patient) enough, this process gets quite simple. You like her, start something, don’t like her, keep looking, start something, doesn’t work, keep looking, simple. Ah yes, and there is a certain population of singles who’re in it just for the “action” so to speak. The most common initial reaction to these guys(most common) is they have to be the satyriatics and nymphomaniacs of society, partially true. Lets not forget after all that like, food, water, and shelter, sex is a NEED. Sure you wont die if you don’t bang somebody, but you’d sure wish you were dead. Personally, I think this population is the only one with the clear picture of what they really want. I did mention that love is a rare commodity, and by rare I mean, needle in a hay stack rare. But getting laid, ah, now there’s something more feasible. Whether you have the slickest tongue in town that could get legs to spread at will or, the face and body that literally acts as a fishing pole reeling in any fish that you bait, or both, wanting sex, or anything for that matter follows a certain physics that once mastered to a certain degree, will enable one to be like Neo in the Matrix, its all in the mind.
So what now, well all roads have their rough patches, rivers to cross, narrow mountain paths, and occasional landslides, so what I’ve learned so far, you dig the grave you decide to bury yourself in. So bring a shovel and some rope.
--graydarksoul--
So what about singlehood? Well, this path is a lot more diverse than its more simple companion. Singlehood itself is a way to find love eventually, it all depends on what you want to achieve. Lets just say that you are looking for love, hooking up and casual dating is like looking at the tabs in a porn site, just so many to choose from in so little time. It does get tedious though, looking for love like this is like trying to win the lottery, plenty of good numbers but it just doesn’t seem to work out. People are often too busy looking for that proverbial “spark” that they don’t even bother to scratch the surface of the person they’re with, or do they. So the selection process does take a while but if your skilled(or patient) enough, this process gets quite simple. You like her, start something, don’t like her, keep looking, start something, doesn’t work, keep looking, simple. Ah yes, and there is a certain population of singles who’re in it just for the “action” so to speak. The most common initial reaction to these guys(most common) is they have to be the satyriatics and nymphomaniacs of society, partially true. Lets not forget after all that like, food, water, and shelter, sex is a NEED. Sure you wont die if you don’t bang somebody, but you’d sure wish you were dead. Personally, I think this population is the only one with the clear picture of what they really want. I did mention that love is a rare commodity, and by rare I mean, needle in a hay stack rare. But getting laid, ah, now there’s something more feasible. Whether you have the slickest tongue in town that could get legs to spread at will or, the face and body that literally acts as a fishing pole reeling in any fish that you bait, or both, wanting sex, or anything for that matter follows a certain physics that once mastered to a certain degree, will enable one to be like Neo in the Matrix, its all in the mind.
So what now, well all roads have their rough patches, rivers to cross, narrow mountain paths, and occasional landslides, so what I’ve learned so far, you dig the grave you decide to bury yourself in. So bring a shovel and some rope.
--graydarksoul--
Sober in love: coming clean
There really comes a time when you get that feeling, the feeling that something in your life is missing. You try to fill it with sports, studies, videogames, and any other possibly conceivable recreation to fill that figurative void that ebbs your very existence but to no avail. Then you see one of the opposite sex and you feel that sudden rush of adrenaline just permeate through every pore and every orifice of your body. There’s your answer, romance, amour, and frankly, love. Now for nthe next question, how might I procure this elusive piece of merchandise, and like putting a 2 piece puzzle together, I need to have a girl friend.
And now you stand at a cross roads in your life, one that would figuratively speaking, renovate your entire existence, stay single, or go for that L-O-V-E. I stood in that crossroads once before, years back when I was still juvenile, back then the choice wasn’t really that hard, it was love or singlehood, and because of all the ideas crammed into this cranium from watching anime, reading novels and testimonials from other people, made love look like a 10 course meal and singlehood, 2 biscuits and a glass of water. This was no brainer, I took love without giving a second thought.
Sure it was a pretty rough ride, starting from scratch was never easy for anything, especially if you don’t have the knack for it. After a lot of stupid mistakes, learning from those mistakes, and making a lot more of them, I eventually scratched and clawed my way to having a girlfriend. Happy ending? That’s not quite what happens.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but if you’ve actually been in a romantic relationship with anyone, sacrifice doesn’t end with the courtship, and the going steady phase. It’s a lot like getting run over by a car, getting up and doing it all over again. Love huh? I ought to kick myself some years ago in the balls for falling for false advertising and not getting his money back.
A while back I thought of those guys who’re “swingers” or are single but polygamous in nature to be the people who had nothing better to do with their spare time other than hooking up with girls and getting into their pants. These guys are like the “neo-drifters” if I may coin the term, who are in one house, dorm bed, sofa, kitchen, bathtub, etc. in one night, and in another the next. These are the guys who give the word “single” a whole new definition; it is a license to sodomy. I always thought of the idea of singlehood in that sense to be preposterous, utterly idiotic even.
I know most people wont agree with what I’ve come to conclude but people who chose singlehood actually made the right choice.
--graydarksoul--
And now you stand at a cross roads in your life, one that would figuratively speaking, renovate your entire existence, stay single, or go for that L-O-V-E. I stood in that crossroads once before, years back when I was still juvenile, back then the choice wasn’t really that hard, it was love or singlehood, and because of all the ideas crammed into this cranium from watching anime, reading novels and testimonials from other people, made love look like a 10 course meal and singlehood, 2 biscuits and a glass of water. This was no brainer, I took love without giving a second thought.
Sure it was a pretty rough ride, starting from scratch was never easy for anything, especially if you don’t have the knack for it. After a lot of stupid mistakes, learning from those mistakes, and making a lot more of them, I eventually scratched and clawed my way to having a girlfriend. Happy ending? That’s not quite what happens.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but if you’ve actually been in a romantic relationship with anyone, sacrifice doesn’t end with the courtship, and the going steady phase. It’s a lot like getting run over by a car, getting up and doing it all over again. Love huh? I ought to kick myself some years ago in the balls for falling for false advertising and not getting his money back.
A while back I thought of those guys who’re “swingers” or are single but polygamous in nature to be the people who had nothing better to do with their spare time other than hooking up with girls and getting into their pants. These guys are like the “neo-drifters” if I may coin the term, who are in one house, dorm bed, sofa, kitchen, bathtub, etc. in one night, and in another the next. These are the guys who give the word “single” a whole new definition; it is a license to sodomy. I always thought of the idea of singlehood in that sense to be preposterous, utterly idiotic even.
I know most people wont agree with what I’ve come to conclude but people who chose singlehood actually made the right choice.
--graydarksoul--
The ringing in my ears
“The only thing permanent in this universe is change” I really don’t know who said this but he was probably staring out the window, staring into the darkness and torn between yesterday and the present, and looming like the sword of Damocles, The 24th hour, The alpha, The future, or better yet, tomorrow. It’s a lot like stage fright, that feeling you get before you perform, you’ve got your costume, you know your lines, you know that you can knock the pants off your audience. But the sweat trickling in your brow, and the fear emanating from every orifice of your body culminates into the knocking of your knees and shaking of your palms
You want to run away right? Feign sick? Or just disappear, escape from this imposing force that laughs in your face. I mean, why put yourself in the scorching radiance of the midday sun when you’ve grown fond of the darkness in the hole in the ground you bury yourself in every day you’ve known life. “Cant I stay where I am” is not just another pointless whine, I personally know the feeling of getting your insides rearranged because of anxiety. It’s the fear of the next moment, the uncertainty, the enigma of the unknown that seemingly taunts, berates, and gives you the proverbial finger. So with that solemn admission of fear, do you run? Im not the type that tells people what to do regardless of the situation, but me, Im walking forward and im going to walk all over the futures living carcass.
“Grab life by the balls and squeeze it as hard as you can” a little brutish, but that’s how to live life, if there ever was such an instruction. The future means a lot of things to different people, some drift, and some charge it with berserk fury but the future will come eventually, like the guillotine that will fall without remorse once the rope frays, then breaks. One things for sure, the future will hit you in the face like a sucker punch. So whether it be run or rumble, just brace yourself and enjoy the ride.
So the bells of tomorrow toll, and it tolls for me. So whatever tomorrow may bring, I shall walk forward and let none stand in my way.
--graydarksoul--
You want to run away right? Feign sick? Or just disappear, escape from this imposing force that laughs in your face. I mean, why put yourself in the scorching radiance of the midday sun when you’ve grown fond of the darkness in the hole in the ground you bury yourself in every day you’ve known life. “Cant I stay where I am” is not just another pointless whine, I personally know the feeling of getting your insides rearranged because of anxiety. It’s the fear of the next moment, the uncertainty, the enigma of the unknown that seemingly taunts, berates, and gives you the proverbial finger. So with that solemn admission of fear, do you run? Im not the type that tells people what to do regardless of the situation, but me, Im walking forward and im going to walk all over the futures living carcass.
“Grab life by the balls and squeeze it as hard as you can” a little brutish, but that’s how to live life, if there ever was such an instruction. The future means a lot of things to different people, some drift, and some charge it with berserk fury but the future will come eventually, like the guillotine that will fall without remorse once the rope frays, then breaks. One things for sure, the future will hit you in the face like a sucker punch. So whether it be run or rumble, just brace yourself and enjoy the ride.
So the bells of tomorrow toll, and it tolls for me. So whatever tomorrow may bring, I shall walk forward and let none stand in my way.
--graydarksoul--
Futile
facing this perpetual void
Imprisoned in the labyrinth of this enigma
Reality, like the ground when falling from the sky
Squirming in this chaotic silence
I need answers…
I search in the strife of my training
I hear clearly the heartbeats, almost exploding from my chest
But the silence sustains
I feel the ache in my limbs, the sweat trickling from my brow
And though the salty taste numbs my thirst,
The hunger for closure, still brings me to my knees
Picking up a guitar, and releasing the sirens voice from its prison
The angst and determination felt with each pluck and strum
Sorrow and despair, embodied within each rhyme and verse
Even after the melody fades, the question still lingers
So I take my pen, and let these thoughts flow
Unto this empty page, upon my reflection
Hoping that in its gentle stream or frantic deluge
Even a clue would follow,
To no avail, though I wait
For I cannot read what has not been written
I find neither clue nor instruction
Only bringing forth another admonition
Where else have I not searched?
What price must I pay,
My sanity slowly fluttering from my grip
This mortal frame is siphoned
Even the mind and soul barely flicker
So I rest hoping to find release til I wake
But even in dreams I wander
Chase after the answer
And so I walk on.
My footsteps leaving no trace
--graydarksoul--
Imprisoned in the labyrinth of this enigma
Reality, like the ground when falling from the sky
Squirming in this chaotic silence
I need answers…
I search in the strife of my training
I hear clearly the heartbeats, almost exploding from my chest
But the silence sustains
I feel the ache in my limbs, the sweat trickling from my brow
And though the salty taste numbs my thirst,
The hunger for closure, still brings me to my knees
Picking up a guitar, and releasing the sirens voice from its prison
The angst and determination felt with each pluck and strum
Sorrow and despair, embodied within each rhyme and verse
Even after the melody fades, the question still lingers
So I take my pen, and let these thoughts flow
Unto this empty page, upon my reflection
Hoping that in its gentle stream or frantic deluge
Even a clue would follow,
To no avail, though I wait
For I cannot read what has not been written
I find neither clue nor instruction
Only bringing forth another admonition
Where else have I not searched?
What price must I pay,
My sanity slowly fluttering from my grip
This mortal frame is siphoned
Even the mind and soul barely flicker
So I rest hoping to find release til I wake
But even in dreams I wander
Chase after the answer
And so I walk on.
My footsteps leaving no trace
--graydarksoul--
Catatonic
Drifting within the abyss that is my mind
Wallowing within the remains of this tortured soul
Lost within this feeling, sublime
Absolute freedom unbound by time.
In this perpetual darkness, I am one
Nothing else exists
Deaf, even to the voices inside my head
Nullifying the sound of heartbeat and breath
Like being alive with the perks of death
With my eyes closed I see things more clearly
In this formlessness I am absolute.
I as I fade I assume form
As if dying, then being born
As a void, that permeates all existence
A drop that ripples toward and endless expanse
I am alone
Basking in the chaotic silence
Til’ I am once again shaken
Back to reality, I awaken
--graydarksoul--
Wallowing within the remains of this tortured soul
Lost within this feeling, sublime
Absolute freedom unbound by time.
In this perpetual darkness, I am one
Nothing else exists
Deaf, even to the voices inside my head
Nullifying the sound of heartbeat and breath
Like being alive with the perks of death
With my eyes closed I see things more clearly
In this formlessness I am absolute.
I as I fade I assume form
As if dying, then being born
As a void, that permeates all existence
A drop that ripples toward and endless expanse
I am alone
Basking in the chaotic silence
Til’ I am once again shaken
Back to reality, I awaken
--graydarksoul--
Morbid
Its quite a sight to see someone die
When the only sound you hear is a sigh
Like a flame being reduced to a flicker
After a final glow, it is reduced to cinder
-------------------------------
Failure in my duty as the last line of defence
Succumbing to the force of death immense
A life that slipped through my fingers
Leaves a feeling of regret that lingers
--------------------------
I believe that I cannot defy
What has been written by the lords of the sky
Because though with defiance I stand
It is a trifle to snatch life from my hands.
----------------------------
I feel no blame
No sadness, no shame
Just regret, and indifference
For this loss, no, this return to innocence
-----------------------------
Looking into lifeless eyes
Envy fills my being
No more angst, anger, and despise
Death, truly is the ultimate freedom and binding
---------------------------------
As I clothe this lifeless flesh
And toll the bells for mourning
In my soul does etch
That my own mortalities end is dawning.
--graydarksoul--
When the only sound you hear is a sigh
Like a flame being reduced to a flicker
After a final glow, it is reduced to cinder
-------------------------------
Failure in my duty as the last line of defence
Succumbing to the force of death immense
A life that slipped through my fingers
Leaves a feeling of regret that lingers
--------------------------
I believe that I cannot defy
What has been written by the lords of the sky
Because though with defiance I stand
It is a trifle to snatch life from my hands.
----------------------------
I feel no blame
No sadness, no shame
Just regret, and indifference
For this loss, no, this return to innocence
-----------------------------
Looking into lifeless eyes
Envy fills my being
No more angst, anger, and despise
Death, truly is the ultimate freedom and binding
---------------------------------
As I clothe this lifeless flesh
And toll the bells for mourning
In my soul does etch
That my own mortalities end is dawning.
--graydarksoul--
The hypochondriac monologue
Im sick
---------------------
I may not have red blotches
Nor cuts, wounds, and scratches
Though I am conscious
And no signs obvious
----------------------
Im sick...
----------------------
My lung fields are clear
heart beats, strong and steady
but I breathe doubt and fear
my mind battered and bloody
---------------------
Im sick!
---------------------
Though my limbs move and are able
And my senses are nimble and keen
Inside I feel so unstable
Only one thing, this could mean.
---------------------
Am I sick?
---------------------
As I bleed I grin
As ive committed the final mortal sin
Strength, for this knife, these wrists I grind
Weakness, for ive done it only in my mind
--------------------
(chuckle) I am sick!
--------------------
Oh, what a glutton for punishment!
Perpetually placed in this predicament,
For I sleep and wake
Enslaved by life I cannot break
--------------------
Im sick don’t you believe me?!
--------------------
Its like a cancer
This meaningless quest for an answer
Something which can never be found
But realizing it only when sleeping 6 feet underground
--------------------
Believe me, I am sick.
-------------------
Im trapped in this vessel of flesh and bone
My blood is ice and my soul is stone
When life itself has become a prison
death has become my sole mission
--graydarksoul--
---------------------
I may not have red blotches
Nor cuts, wounds, and scratches
Though I am conscious
And no signs obvious
----------------------
Im sick...
----------------------
My lung fields are clear
heart beats, strong and steady
but I breathe doubt and fear
my mind battered and bloody
---------------------
Im sick!
---------------------
Though my limbs move and are able
And my senses are nimble and keen
Inside I feel so unstable
Only one thing, this could mean.
---------------------
Am I sick?
---------------------
As I bleed I grin
As ive committed the final mortal sin
Strength, for this knife, these wrists I grind
Weakness, for ive done it only in my mind
--------------------
(chuckle) I am sick!
--------------------
Oh, what a glutton for punishment!
Perpetually placed in this predicament,
For I sleep and wake
Enslaved by life I cannot break
--------------------
Im sick don’t you believe me?!
--------------------
Its like a cancer
This meaningless quest for an answer
Something which can never be found
But realizing it only when sleeping 6 feet underground
--------------------
Believe me, I am sick.
-------------------
Im trapped in this vessel of flesh and bone
My blood is ice and my soul is stone
When life itself has become a prison
death has become my sole mission
--graydarksoul--
A love poem: B.S. free
Love has been said in so many ways
It tough to find something else to say
But love poems have always been full of crap
Its trying to play us all for saps
Love is like this, love is like that
Using love like tobacco, just spat
People should be arrested for false advertising
So many lies in the verses, so mortifying
I’ll admit that there is truth in what has been said
But Its hard to write something that you haven’t already read
Its been so overdone that its lost delicate subtlety
Love itself became a word used so flagrantly
Perhaps because underneath the rambles and rants
Love poems are just a ticket into someone’s pants
Or sweet nothings that once read serve nothing more
Than to scratch the itch off some hoar.
How can something so pure and chaste,
Turn into proverbial waste
When love is truly just a word
Then naming it after the feeling is just absurd
I’ve seen many legs open
And even more abdomens swollen
For a love poem numbs their senses
Breaking all logic and all other defences
Sex, is something primal
The hunger for flesh is something final
Love Is originally the only reason
Why anyone would undergo that expedition
I acquit my self not of this sin, for fair ladies, I also ensnare
Using love poems I’ve written and read my share
Each, at the same time, unique and the same
I just hope i wont give love a bad name
Regardless of purpose or intent
Love can be used to whatever extent
This is for the hypocrites, bastards, and all humanity
Don’t turn love into a word of profanity.
--graydarksoul--
It tough to find something else to say
But love poems have always been full of crap
Its trying to play us all for saps
Love is like this, love is like that
Using love like tobacco, just spat
People should be arrested for false advertising
So many lies in the verses, so mortifying
I’ll admit that there is truth in what has been said
But Its hard to write something that you haven’t already read
Its been so overdone that its lost delicate subtlety
Love itself became a word used so flagrantly
Perhaps because underneath the rambles and rants
Love poems are just a ticket into someone’s pants
Or sweet nothings that once read serve nothing more
Than to scratch the itch off some hoar.
How can something so pure and chaste,
Turn into proverbial waste
When love is truly just a word
Then naming it after the feeling is just absurd
I’ve seen many legs open
And even more abdomens swollen
For a love poem numbs their senses
Breaking all logic and all other defences
Sex, is something primal
The hunger for flesh is something final
Love Is originally the only reason
Why anyone would undergo that expedition
I acquit my self not of this sin, for fair ladies, I also ensnare
Using love poems I’ve written and read my share
Each, at the same time, unique and the same
I just hope i wont give love a bad name
Regardless of purpose or intent
Love can be used to whatever extent
This is for the hypocrites, bastards, and all humanity
Don’t turn love into a word of profanity.
--graydarksoul--
Side show: Masquerade
Dine ,dance, and delight
Masks ands marvels everywhere in sight
Torches and lanterns light up the night
Do attend this masquerade ball tonight
-----------------
These people who embody elegance and grace
And yet conceal their face
With masks, they dance and glide
Shrouding with glitter what lies inside
------------------
All that glitters is not gold
For the price that had to be paid
To the devil the soul is sold
Hell was the pyre that the mask is forged
----------------------------
The candelabra that lights up the room
Lights the corners where the shadows loom
Bask in its warmth and radiance
Ornate ness that veils dissonance
-------------------
The orchestra that mesmerizes the hall
The horns, strings, and hymns that bring life to this ball
Intoxicating, the notes, to the violin strum
Melancholy, to the tune of the soprano’s hum
-------------------
Dance mortals, dance!
Looking so foolish as I see you from a distance
How easily you fall prey to material and earthly guile
Failing to see that you’ve made life futile
-------------------
For what lies beneath those masks
Empty vessels, desolate casks
Where is your soul? Your primal essence
For what remains is merely this tainted presence
------------------
Treacherous melody, like sweet poison
For as you dance, sown are the seeds of corruption
Slowly humanity is siphoned
As the soul is being bludgeoned
-----------------------
Deafened with every string strummed
Blinded with every shine of glitter
Wearing that mask, you are condemned
To live and die in this façade you cannot shatter
----------------------------------
Mortal, when will you finally reveal your face?
Break free from the illusion, become the salvation of this race
Scream out loud! Awaken from your slumber
Silence the tyrannical hymn with the cry of thunder!
---------------------------------
But as I see you now, still you dance
Act now while you still have the chance
For when the time comes to close the curtain
Providence or perdition you’ll face, that is certain.
--graydarksoul--
Masks ands marvels everywhere in sight
Torches and lanterns light up the night
Do attend this masquerade ball tonight
-----------------
These people who embody elegance and grace
And yet conceal their face
With masks, they dance and glide
Shrouding with glitter what lies inside
------------------
All that glitters is not gold
For the price that had to be paid
To the devil the soul is sold
Hell was the pyre that the mask is forged
----------------------------
The candelabra that lights up the room
Lights the corners where the shadows loom
Bask in its warmth and radiance
Ornate ness that veils dissonance
-------------------
The orchestra that mesmerizes the hall
The horns, strings, and hymns that bring life to this ball
Intoxicating, the notes, to the violin strum
Melancholy, to the tune of the soprano’s hum
-------------------
Dance mortals, dance!
Looking so foolish as I see you from a distance
How easily you fall prey to material and earthly guile
Failing to see that you’ve made life futile
-------------------
For what lies beneath those masks
Empty vessels, desolate casks
Where is your soul? Your primal essence
For what remains is merely this tainted presence
------------------
Treacherous melody, like sweet poison
For as you dance, sown are the seeds of corruption
Slowly humanity is siphoned
As the soul is being bludgeoned
-----------------------
Deafened with every string strummed
Blinded with every shine of glitter
Wearing that mask, you are condemned
To live and die in this façade you cannot shatter
----------------------------------
Mortal, when will you finally reveal your face?
Break free from the illusion, become the salvation of this race
Scream out loud! Awaken from your slumber
Silence the tyrannical hymn with the cry of thunder!
---------------------------------
But as I see you now, still you dance
Act now while you still have the chance
For when the time comes to close the curtain
Providence or perdition you’ll face, that is certain.
--graydarksoul--
The last stand
As blood runs through my veins
And these lungs draw breath
This bleeding heart shall pump courage
And drive forward this mortal frame
Feel no hunger, feel no pain
Know only the thirst
The urge to taste once more
Sweet nectar form mortality’s chalice
Quench this parched throat
Stare death straight in the eye!
Breath in the scent of oblivion
As its gaping jaws start to fall
Stagger not! falter not!
Bury these heels deeper in this ground
For you’ve yet to fall
The earth is not yet your cradle
Though shadows loom overhead
Darkness can never consume
This dim flicker
A spark that shall not quell, defiance!
So let blood be drawn from my hide
And flesh be torn from my side
For this sword shall draw the same
Upon this plain shall a sea of crimson stain
Grit your teeth and stand your ground
Listen to your heartbeat pound
Forsake all hope now
Let each next moment echo
And fade into the silence of time
--graydarksoul--
And these lungs draw breath
This bleeding heart shall pump courage
And drive forward this mortal frame
Feel no hunger, feel no pain
Know only the thirst
The urge to taste once more
Sweet nectar form mortality’s chalice
Quench this parched throat
Stare death straight in the eye!
Breath in the scent of oblivion
As its gaping jaws start to fall
Stagger not! falter not!
Bury these heels deeper in this ground
For you’ve yet to fall
The earth is not yet your cradle
Though shadows loom overhead
Darkness can never consume
This dim flicker
A spark that shall not quell, defiance!
So let blood be drawn from my hide
And flesh be torn from my side
For this sword shall draw the same
Upon this plain shall a sea of crimson stain
Grit your teeth and stand your ground
Listen to your heartbeat pound
Forsake all hope now
Let each next moment echo
And fade into the silence of time
--graydarksoul--
Opium of the Masses
When the weight of the world bears heavy
Upon this frame, weak and weary
Fallen and buried upon a grave so deep
That the only resort is to despair and weep
-------------------
What else is there for me?
----------------
When the light fades into oblivion
And all that’s left is this torturous vision
A mind mangled, body battered, and soul siphoned
Amidst fleeting hope of providence, a flicker glistened
---------------------
And there was faith, the dawn of spirituality
Doctrines, scriptures, churches and divinities
They called it religion, gave it a name, and a vessel was formed
Sceptics and believers alike into its gates stormed
---------------
And so these houses, catered to their believers
Comforting the weary, uplifting the righteous, and admonishing sinners
And a divine being, worshipped and adored
Sanctuary from life’s anguish and discord
----------------------
Despite preaching truth or lies
Faith, you cannot despise
For you dare not sever your ties
------------------
Faith itself transcends all doctrine and spiritual borders
It is the power to draw anything out of nothingness
Strength to bear the world itself upon frail shoulders
The answer, when life itself is meaningless
----------------------------
But faith itself is only half the bargain
Or perhaps, even less
For if mortal actions are unmade or uncertain
A mess will still be a mess
-----------------
This is what most fails to understand
That mortal fate is shaped by mortal hand
And how futile it is to divine will, command
But on the same ground merely stand
-----------------------------
Once tasting faith’s unconditional relief
Mortal will must proceed, else be buried in grief
And be addicted to its fleeting high
Divinity itself shall shake its head and sigh
-------------------
Faith indeed is the blessed venom
Truly beyond what any human can fathom
A taste of oblivion is what it takes
To give man a shot at his redemption
Or just pound him until he breaks
--graydarksoul--
Upon this frame, weak and weary
Fallen and buried upon a grave so deep
That the only resort is to despair and weep
-------------------
What else is there for me?
----------------
When the light fades into oblivion
And all that’s left is this torturous vision
A mind mangled, body battered, and soul siphoned
Amidst fleeting hope of providence, a flicker glistened
---------------------
And there was faith, the dawn of spirituality
Doctrines, scriptures, churches and divinities
They called it religion, gave it a name, and a vessel was formed
Sceptics and believers alike into its gates stormed
---------------
And so these houses, catered to their believers
Comforting the weary, uplifting the righteous, and admonishing sinners
And a divine being, worshipped and adored
Sanctuary from life’s anguish and discord
----------------------
Despite preaching truth or lies
Faith, you cannot despise
For you dare not sever your ties
------------------
Faith itself transcends all doctrine and spiritual borders
It is the power to draw anything out of nothingness
Strength to bear the world itself upon frail shoulders
The answer, when life itself is meaningless
----------------------------
But faith itself is only half the bargain
Or perhaps, even less
For if mortal actions are unmade or uncertain
A mess will still be a mess
-----------------
This is what most fails to understand
That mortal fate is shaped by mortal hand
And how futile it is to divine will, command
But on the same ground merely stand
-----------------------------
Once tasting faith’s unconditional relief
Mortal will must proceed, else be buried in grief
And be addicted to its fleeting high
Divinity itself shall shake its head and sigh
-------------------
Faith indeed is the blessed venom
Truly beyond what any human can fathom
A taste of oblivion is what it takes
To give man a shot at his redemption
Or just pound him until he breaks
--graydarksoul--
Its a Nursing thing: NPO and SPO
A moment of contemplation
Becoming one with the universe
Within arms reach of nirvana..
Wait a sec, the meaning of life has to wait,
Cha-ching! Jackpot, snap back to reality
Because damn, that, is one nice piece of ass…
It’s that time of the day again
When we review the female anatomy via physical assessment
Game on
----------------------------------------
Inspect that long black hair, so fine and glossy,
The enticing scent enters the internal nares, into the sinuses
Sustaining the inspiration until the last second
Chinita eyes, that make the Ego, Super ego, and I.D, all agree.
An inviting stare, like X-rays that pass through my soma
A smile that makes my gastro intestinal tract queasy
Ceases salivatiom, cardiac muscles palpitating
An integumentary system, cephalo caudal, suppressing blinking reflex
Milky white, no blemishes, scarring, nor hyper pigmentation
I sincerely wish I could palpate even just those fingertips
And the body how wonderful, err.. Fascinating is the female anatomy!
----------------------------
From the neck down to the lower extremities, especially those in between
Sacred mounds neither heaving nor covert
Flights of thought wish that visual acuity passed through barriers
Shapely hips and abdomen, like a pendulum swinging in ambulation
Fatiguing my lower extremities
Long slender legs that engrave itself upon my cerebral hemispheres
As she moves farther from this 20/20 vision
As I can no longer perceive
That ends the review, and I aspire for nirvana
Once more, or until
I have to review again.
--graydarksoul--
Becoming one with the universe
Within arms reach of nirvana..
Wait a sec, the meaning of life has to wait,
Cha-ching! Jackpot, snap back to reality
Because damn, that, is one nice piece of ass…
It’s that time of the day again
When we review the female anatomy via physical assessment
Game on
----------------------------------------
Inspect that long black hair, so fine and glossy,
The enticing scent enters the internal nares, into the sinuses
Sustaining the inspiration until the last second
Chinita eyes, that make the Ego, Super ego, and I.D, all agree.
An inviting stare, like X-rays that pass through my soma
A smile that makes my gastro intestinal tract queasy
Ceases salivatiom, cardiac muscles palpitating
An integumentary system, cephalo caudal, suppressing blinking reflex
Milky white, no blemishes, scarring, nor hyper pigmentation
I sincerely wish I could palpate even just those fingertips
And the body how wonderful, err.. Fascinating is the female anatomy!
----------------------------
From the neck down to the lower extremities, especially those in between
Sacred mounds neither heaving nor covert
Flights of thought wish that visual acuity passed through barriers
Shapely hips and abdomen, like a pendulum swinging in ambulation
Fatiguing my lower extremities
Long slender legs that engrave itself upon my cerebral hemispheres
As she moves farther from this 20/20 vision
As I can no longer perceive
That ends the review, and I aspire for nirvana
Once more, or until
I have to review again.
--graydarksoul--
Its a Nursing thing: Infusing well at KVO rate
And now, for the student portion of “Nursing student”
Jazz beat please…
>Confined to this training ward SB 105
I am desk number 15, hospital number 02037151
Orienting myself to reality
It’s 7:00AM, and oh, holy fecal matter,
The ward door opens and my vital signs shoot up.
------------------------------------
>Febrile, tachycardic, and hyperventilating
The clinical instructor enters and then tries to establish rapport
Key word: “tries” I may be a schizophrenic, but I am coherent.
The only rapport you’ve established is with my big toe
So I’ll be ambulating all over you’re your gluteus maximus
For the rest of your shift
---------------------------------------------
>Instructor makes conversation, heh, more like flight of ideas
The word salad, stimulates my cognition
Like music therapy to a comatose patient
Oh what now, evaluation huh?
Not even worth my ATP
It’s like Alzheimer’s disease in hyper drive.
-----------------------------------
>My chief complaint
I’m going to get decubitus ulcers
From 4 hours of immobility
This 5 minute micturation break
Is the most intellectual stimulation
For your entire shift
------------------------------------------------
Furiously fighting off this lethargy
And my illusions of grandeur
Regressing, sub conscious taking over.
My organ of corti, starts to party
“class dismissed” am i in REM sleep?
No, the shift is really over
Song echoes through my cranium.
“Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof…”
--graydarksoul--
Jazz beat please…
>Confined to this training ward SB 105
I am desk number 15, hospital number 02037151
Orienting myself to reality
It’s 7:00AM, and oh, holy fecal matter,
The ward door opens and my vital signs shoot up.
------------------------------------
>Febrile, tachycardic, and hyperventilating
The clinical instructor enters and then tries to establish rapport
Key word: “tries” I may be a schizophrenic, but I am coherent.
The only rapport you’ve established is with my big toe
So I’ll be ambulating all over you’re your gluteus maximus
For the rest of your shift
---------------------------------------------
>Instructor makes conversation, heh, more like flight of ideas
The word salad, stimulates my cognition
Like music therapy to a comatose patient
Oh what now, evaluation huh?
Not even worth my ATP
It’s like Alzheimer’s disease in hyper drive.
-----------------------------------
>My chief complaint
I’m going to get decubitus ulcers
From 4 hours of immobility
This 5 minute micturation break
Is the most intellectual stimulation
For your entire shift
------------------------------------------------
Furiously fighting off this lethargy
And my illusions of grandeur
Regressing, sub conscious taking over.
My organ of corti, starts to party
“class dismissed” am i in REM sleep?
No, the shift is really over
Song echoes through my cranium.
“Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof…”
--graydarksoul--
Its a Nursing thing: The loading dose
I begin my activities of daily living
Positioned in a high fowlers
Rubbing the inner and outer canthus
Of my oculo dexter and sinister
The body then compensates for the lack of oxygen
--------------------
At my bedside, still stuporous
The mirror enters my field of vision
My vision is cloudy, ptosis in my eyes
My bowel sounds are hyperactive
Its time to ingest some nutrients
------------------------
After the mastication and deglutition
The carbohydrates increase my blood sugar
Water distends my bladder and I micturate
When my peripheral vision perceives the clock,
With epinephrine in my veins,
I’m going to be late!!
----------------------------
With anxiety and panic,
My depressive mood goes manic
I rush my hygiene and grooming
Tachycardic and diaphoresic
Until I catch my ride
And hope to beat traffic
------------------------
Now at high risk for injury,
As this hataw jeepney comes close to collision
Over and over again
I return to homeostasis
Lethargy overpowers me again
---------------------
Oh by the way, the day is just starting.
--Graydarksoul--
Positioned in a high fowlers
Rubbing the inner and outer canthus
Of my oculo dexter and sinister
The body then compensates for the lack of oxygen
--------------------
At my bedside, still stuporous
The mirror enters my field of vision
My vision is cloudy, ptosis in my eyes
My bowel sounds are hyperactive
Its time to ingest some nutrients
------------------------
After the mastication and deglutition
The carbohydrates increase my blood sugar
Water distends my bladder and I micturate
When my peripheral vision perceives the clock,
With epinephrine in my veins,
I’m going to be late!!
----------------------------
With anxiety and panic,
My depressive mood goes manic
I rush my hygiene and grooming
Tachycardic and diaphoresic
Until I catch my ride
And hope to beat traffic
------------------------
Now at high risk for injury,
As this hataw jeepney comes close to collision
Over and over again
I return to homeostasis
Lethargy overpowers me again
---------------------
Oh by the way, the day is just starting.
--Graydarksoul--
Asylum
What is the price of sanity?
Why is it bartered, sold, or even stolen?
Lost, or even broken
Why do we forsake vanity,
Or fail to grasp
Letting it slip like sand clasped
Lost in an empty gaze
Withering in paranoia
Within delusions, dazed
Confined within the walls of that prison,
Lost, wandering in a vision
Insanity, O how you have bound
This mortal flesh, now an empty vessel
To decay’ ravaged in the wake of time
-------------------------------------------------
Is sanity even worth keeping?
To possess it, is to endure
Torment and struggle in realities pasture
Bludgeoned by the same hands that you wield
While crawling across this desolate field
To be enslaved by the ruthless machine
Drawn in and blinded by its deceptive sheen
A blind obedience as it would seem
You bow to its whim even as you dream
For tomorrow when you wake
For every footstep that you take
In its crushing grip you soon shall break
------------------------------------------------
Sanctuary?!
Where is my sanctuary?!
Is the fabled emancipation
Just the folly of my imagination,
Or another damned illusion?!
Whey must freedom come with struggle,
And eventually restraint.
The cycle
Inevitable
Futile
Pointless
Endless
Asylum only in death.
--Graydarksoul--
Why is it bartered, sold, or even stolen?
Lost, or even broken
Why do we forsake vanity,
Or fail to grasp
Letting it slip like sand clasped
Lost in an empty gaze
Withering in paranoia
Within delusions, dazed
Confined within the walls of that prison,
Lost, wandering in a vision
Insanity, O how you have bound
This mortal flesh, now an empty vessel
To decay’ ravaged in the wake of time
-------------------------------------------------
Is sanity even worth keeping?
To possess it, is to endure
Torment and struggle in realities pasture
Bludgeoned by the same hands that you wield
While crawling across this desolate field
To be enslaved by the ruthless machine
Drawn in and blinded by its deceptive sheen
A blind obedience as it would seem
You bow to its whim even as you dream
For tomorrow when you wake
For every footstep that you take
In its crushing grip you soon shall break
------------------------------------------------
Sanctuary?!
Where is my sanctuary?!
Is the fabled emancipation
Just the folly of my imagination,
Or another damned illusion?!
Whey must freedom come with struggle,
And eventually restraint.
The cycle
Inevitable
Futile
Pointless
Endless
Asylum only in death.
--Graydarksoul--
Sowing seeds or salt
As I lay upon this earth
My sanity shattered
In a thousand shards its scattered
Like swords, impaled upon this lifeless form
Not flesh, drop of blood
Nor trace of soul from this once unbreakable vessel
Bearer of unshakable conviction
Death, the only source of failure in its mission
---------------------------------------------------------
But I delude myself once again
For I am still mortalities slave
But now branded, cursed, sealed
Damned.
-----------------------------------------------------
It is no scar to reinforce this vessels armor
For it is an open wound, bound to bleed for eternity
Rot in its gangrenous miasma
Maggots and flies feasting
Upon its cavernous pit
And the pain, unbearable
Numbing
-------------------------------------------------
And yet, like a phoenix, the vessel is resurrected
Ashes lost in the winds formed once again
By tears, perhaps despaired beckoning
By answering the call, I am bound once again
To the oath of the undying
I follow in your footsteps once again
Still bleeding, still numb
With no guarantee of another heartbeat
I remain driven
--graydarksoul--
My sanity shattered
In a thousand shards its scattered
Like swords, impaled upon this lifeless form
Not flesh, drop of blood
Nor trace of soul from this once unbreakable vessel
Bearer of unshakable conviction
Death, the only source of failure in its mission
---------------------------------------------------------
But I delude myself once again
For I am still mortalities slave
But now branded, cursed, sealed
Damned.
-----------------------------------------------------
It is no scar to reinforce this vessels armor
For it is an open wound, bound to bleed for eternity
Rot in its gangrenous miasma
Maggots and flies feasting
Upon its cavernous pit
And the pain, unbearable
Numbing
-------------------------------------------------
And yet, like a phoenix, the vessel is resurrected
Ashes lost in the winds formed once again
By tears, perhaps despaired beckoning
By answering the call, I am bound once again
To the oath of the undying
I follow in your footsteps once again
Still bleeding, still numb
With no guarantee of another heartbeat
I remain driven
--graydarksoul--
Breaking point
I have walked many miles
Fields of bloom have sprouted in my footsteps
Shrouded by a myriad of bush, petal, and root
The path I’ve traversed, engraved heavily upon the earth
While the weight of a thousand boulders
Bear down heavily, upon these once sturdy
Now frail shoulders
-------------------------------------------------------
I’ve seen hell, even fallen down upon its vile soil
Fought its demons and my own
Endured the flames of perdition
Scent of cinder and brimstone
Carved into my being
My scars toughen only this hide
Both armor and coffin
Still driven by my conviction
Serving no other mission
-----------------------------------------------------------
How long will the force of will sustain me?
Conviction feed my hunger, quench my thirst?
Fealty run through my veins, fill my lungs?
My soul cries, my heart grows weary
I pray that despair and weakness not see me
-----------------------------------------------------
Now that I breathe no more
Walk no more
Pain no longer haunting me
I once thought it impossible
Now all I have, stolen
I have now been broken
--graydarksoul--
Fields of bloom have sprouted in my footsteps
Shrouded by a myriad of bush, petal, and root
The path I’ve traversed, engraved heavily upon the earth
While the weight of a thousand boulders
Bear down heavily, upon these once sturdy
Now frail shoulders
-------------------------------------------------------
I’ve seen hell, even fallen down upon its vile soil
Fought its demons and my own
Endured the flames of perdition
Scent of cinder and brimstone
Carved into my being
My scars toughen only this hide
Both armor and coffin
Still driven by my conviction
Serving no other mission
-----------------------------------------------------------
How long will the force of will sustain me?
Conviction feed my hunger, quench my thirst?
Fealty run through my veins, fill my lungs?
My soul cries, my heart grows weary
I pray that despair and weakness not see me
-----------------------------------------------------
Now that I breathe no more
Walk no more
Pain no longer haunting me
I once thought it impossible
Now all I have, stolen
I have now been broken
--graydarksoul--
Frailty
O, sweet poison, how I long to drink from thee!
Mortality’s ultimate release, with just a sip
From thine shallow pool resting upon a chalice
My hands trembling, throat drying, mouth watering
How I thirst, how I long for your first and final taste!
-----------------------------------
I grow weary
Weaken
Almost succumb
------------------------------------
How I curse this fate, time and my own frailty!
Why do you deny me this glorious venom?
Why can I hold this chalice and even bring it up
Thine lips to thy own yet, choke and stagger,
The moment I almost taste the kiss of oblivion.
I only stare blankly upon the inviting pool,
The reflection of mortality at the brink of extinction
--------------------------------------
Looks into my eyes
Pierces my soul
Taunting
Torturing
Humiliating me
-----------------------------
O how thine ears yearn to hear thine dirge!
For as every note and melody, echo and fade
With every morbid, disdainful, and anguished memory
So does every last trace,
every last fragment of this cursed existence
--------------------------------
yet, my eulogy unspoken
Coffin unmade
Tombstone uncarved
Ashes, still left living within this torturous flesh
Damn you, Dew of melancholy! Eternal stupor!
How long will you remain beyond my grasp?
For my frailty drives this thirst
Yet frailty condemns me to indecision.
-graydarksoul-
Mortality’s ultimate release, with just a sip
From thine shallow pool resting upon a chalice
My hands trembling, throat drying, mouth watering
How I thirst, how I long for your first and final taste!
-----------------------------------
I grow weary
Weaken
Almost succumb
------------------------------------
How I curse this fate, time and my own frailty!
Why do you deny me this glorious venom?
Why can I hold this chalice and even bring it up
Thine lips to thy own yet, choke and stagger,
The moment I almost taste the kiss of oblivion.
I only stare blankly upon the inviting pool,
The reflection of mortality at the brink of extinction
--------------------------------------
Looks into my eyes
Pierces my soul
Taunting
Torturing
Humiliating me
-----------------------------
O how thine ears yearn to hear thine dirge!
For as every note and melody, echo and fade
With every morbid, disdainful, and anguished memory
So does every last trace,
every last fragment of this cursed existence
--------------------------------
yet, my eulogy unspoken
Coffin unmade
Tombstone uncarved
Ashes, still left living within this torturous flesh
Damn you, Dew of melancholy! Eternal stupor!
How long will you remain beyond my grasp?
For my frailty drives this thirst
Yet frailty condemns me to indecision.
-graydarksoul-
Haikus under the storm
The gates of heaven
Cuts the darkened sky in half
Thunder, its herald
------------------------
From a single drop
To streaks and blurs like needles
Enveloping all
-----------------------------------------
Dripping from the trees
Filling the roots of the earth
Nature its vessel
-----------------------------------------------
Drops upon my skin
From brow to ends of finger tips
Embraced by the cold
--------------------------------------------------
Rain drops make ripples
Ripples born from footsteps
Fade as it were made
------------------------------------------------------
The shaking of trees
Gale and crackles of leaves
Heavens symphony
----------------------------------------------------------
The rain can wither
And wash away all footsteps
Except memories
----------------------------------------------------------
Though the storm may clear
Time cannot erase nor fade
The touch of heaven
--------------------------------------------------------
-graydarksoul-
Cuts the darkened sky in half
Thunder, its herald
------------------------
From a single drop
To streaks and blurs like needles
Enveloping all
-----------------------------------------
Dripping from the trees
Filling the roots of the earth
Nature its vessel
-----------------------------------------------
Drops upon my skin
From brow to ends of finger tips
Embraced by the cold
--------------------------------------------------
Rain drops make ripples
Ripples born from footsteps
Fade as it were made
------------------------------------------------------
The shaking of trees
Gale and crackles of leaves
Heavens symphony
----------------------------------------------------------
The rain can wither
And wash away all footsteps
Except memories
----------------------------------------------------------
Though the storm may clear
Time cannot erase nor fade
The touch of heaven
--------------------------------------------------------
-graydarksoul-
Lament for innocence
From tasting lifes first breath
Suckle my mothers milk
I am already shackled
A soul born unto life
--------------------------
First lesson learned; I must live
To see what makes the world
Escape to beyond these walls
Break free from these shackles
--------------------------
I take my first steps outside
Sunlight caressing me
Sweat trickles upon my brow
I have now tasted life
--------------------------
Never could have imagined
That wonders such as this
I was kept shielded from
By walls I was born with
----------------------
I grow weary of walking
There is so much of life
That I’ve yet to uncover
Time fleeting, I must run
--------------------------
I see even more of life!
though they are but glimpses
i lust, i long to see more!
Like squall i must make haste
---------------------
Everything turned to blurs
I can barely make out
Though I know inside, it’s life
My legs tire and feet stumble
-----------------------
I tumble, kiss the rubble
The dust gets in my eyes
Blood from brow, creeps onto lips
So I taste life once again
------------------------------
Though feeling broken and pained
Life can never stagnate
This hunger inside drives me
I’ll stand up and walk on
-------------------------------------
What will become of me now?
For the road has ended
I can never run again
For this valley I face
-----------------------------
Looking up to the heavens
I hunger once again
This sky that stands before me
I shall go beyond it
-------------------------------
I see no path, no leeway
To this endless expanse
It tempts me, smirks at me
Sapphire haze, I’ll reach you
--------------------------------
With all of my strength, I leap
A little, I come close
Arms stretched as far as it can
I come close, now I fall
--------------------------------------
Momentary high vanished
Now perpetual decent,
Fear and despair consume me
I taste life, now transient
-------------------------------------
Guilt, the last taste in my mouth
I wish to see every brick
Erase footprints walking from
The walls that sheltered me
--------------------------------------------
Its that which can’t be reclaimed
At the end of my fall
I never lost my shackles
My last taste of life
--------------------------------------
-graydarksoul-
Suckle my mothers milk
I am already shackled
A soul born unto life
--------------------------
First lesson learned; I must live
To see what makes the world
Escape to beyond these walls
Break free from these shackles
--------------------------
I take my first steps outside
Sunlight caressing me
Sweat trickles upon my brow
I have now tasted life
--------------------------
Never could have imagined
That wonders such as this
I was kept shielded from
By walls I was born with
----------------------
I grow weary of walking
There is so much of life
That I’ve yet to uncover
Time fleeting, I must run
--------------------------
I see even more of life!
though they are but glimpses
i lust, i long to see more!
Like squall i must make haste
---------------------
Everything turned to blurs
I can barely make out
Though I know inside, it’s life
My legs tire and feet stumble
-----------------------
I tumble, kiss the rubble
The dust gets in my eyes
Blood from brow, creeps onto lips
So I taste life once again
------------------------------
Though feeling broken and pained
Life can never stagnate
This hunger inside drives me
I’ll stand up and walk on
-------------------------------------
What will become of me now?
For the road has ended
I can never run again
For this valley I face
-----------------------------
Looking up to the heavens
I hunger once again
This sky that stands before me
I shall go beyond it
-------------------------------
I see no path, no leeway
To this endless expanse
It tempts me, smirks at me
Sapphire haze, I’ll reach you
--------------------------------
With all of my strength, I leap
A little, I come close
Arms stretched as far as it can
I come close, now I fall
--------------------------------------
Momentary high vanished
Now perpetual decent,
Fear and despair consume me
I taste life, now transient
-------------------------------------
Guilt, the last taste in my mouth
I wish to see every brick
Erase footprints walking from
The walls that sheltered me
--------------------------------------------
Its that which can’t be reclaimed
At the end of my fall
I never lost my shackles
My last taste of life
--------------------------------------
-graydarksoul-
Beyond pitchforks and eternal damnation
"Hell is other people"- Sartre, "No Exit"
What is hell anyway? does it even exist? am i going to go there? or am i already there? If you were stranded in hell, what or whom would you bring with you ? What would you do to make hell a better place? Why are these questions starting to lose sense? Anyway, last question who'se supposed to give the right answer to these questions? a quantum physicist? a beauty contest bimbo? a priest? a madman? or my cat? even if i asked each of them, most likely, an answer would still be oblivious. Being so deperate for an answer and not getting anything that is even close to resembling an answer to all these questions IS HELL. Hmm.. I guess i just answered one of my own questions, because hell does exist, and it is exactly this conundrum. I guess hell wont be so bad.
Hell as a divine eternal punishment for the wicked when the finally reach their mortalities end is very much overrated. For one thing, why wait until these tormentors of humanity, only after a long reign of barbaric tyrrany, finally kicks the bucket? and when you try to "fast track" thier inevitable demise technically, that makes you as wicked as they are and you are also bound to the same fate you sent them to. That bites. What am i supposed to do, just hope and pray to every living and petrified saint that a grand piano falls out of the heavens and splatters his red stuffing and gray matter all over the pave ment as he walks by? oh but wait, doing that also entails you to a one way trip to "the land down under"(that ain't Australia). Damn that just bites ass..its like reality is flipping me off, and i cant do squat. It reminds me of one of my personal adages "better an asshole thana doormat." well, i guess only doormats can get to heaven.
Another thing, the bighorned red guy with a pointy tail holding a pitchfork and his motley crew of "evil rangers" have been taking too much credit for hell and what it stands for therefore recieving in return, way too much publicity for it. Its like humans are like 5 minute commercials with subliminal messages in them. So false advertising trancends even the boundaries of the afterlife. Let us critique everyday evemts in the life of some people shall we?
Do we come to the conclusion that Bhaal himself took human form as the Guy/Girl in charge of making the section assignments of the studentsand fiendishly wrote your name under a section with a lousy schedule, the worst possible instructors put together which, up to now you didnt think was humanly possible(stupidity is contagious when carriers cluster), an obvoius shortage of jawdropping-make-me weak-in-the-knees women? instead, like a sick, practical joke, your classmates aka. your "whipping boys/girls" are the 22 women who screwed you over aka. your ex-girlfriens and the 22 guys they they replaced you with who just happens to hate your guts for no apparent reason,. and you are stuck there for one agonizingly painful semester., and now as you sit at your desk isolated from the rest of the class, you grind and grit your teeth, breathing feverishly, and tightly clenching your pen with sweaty and shaky plamswhile trying to fend off the voices in you head telling you to stab and maim someone. Thats hell right there plain and simple, but then again that could just be as easily dismissed as really bad luck.
And do we hold the higher powers accountable and beyond scrutiny when that Voluptous chinita whose face and bodily contours are carved very deeply within your cranium like posters finally gives in to your long ignored charms and you start racking up points with her when amidst the flare of your burnig passion, a gas leak. That gas forming root crop known as Kamote you had for lunch takes its toll, and that little gas leak a few moments later escalates ito a monumental deafening flatulence. After the echo that resonated throughout the 4 walls of the campus stopping everyone who can hear in thier tracks, a fetid, reeking stench stimulates the chinitas and everyone in a 50 meter radius's olfactory receptors. The next day SHe issues a temporary restraining order against you and making the local news makes you the new face of shame in your university. Again hell personified but, still just as easily be construed as extreme misfortune.
Beelzebub, the pit of eternal tormaent, and the minions of darkness, ive probably already got a reservation, yeah i admit i aint no saint. But im still tickin' and kickin' so they'll just have to wait And besides why would they want me or anyone else for that matter die so soon, we're like reality TV for them. The dark underworld and all it embodies, whether existent or not, would not have to do much to do what they do best which is personify hell. Because when it come to inflicyting torment and strife, its like humans have an innate knack for inflicting it upon others and themselves.
Its ironic that the search for paradise leads us down the path of hell, and as hard as we try to look for paradise hell would come lloking for and evemntually find us instead.
-graydarksoul-
What is hell anyway? does it even exist? am i going to go there? or am i already there? If you were stranded in hell, what or whom would you bring with you ? What would you do to make hell a better place? Why are these questions starting to lose sense? Anyway, last question who'se supposed to give the right answer to these questions? a quantum physicist? a beauty contest bimbo? a priest? a madman? or my cat? even if i asked each of them, most likely, an answer would still be oblivious. Being so deperate for an answer and not getting anything that is even close to resembling an answer to all these questions IS HELL. Hmm.. I guess i just answered one of my own questions, because hell does exist, and it is exactly this conundrum. I guess hell wont be so bad.
Hell as a divine eternal punishment for the wicked when the finally reach their mortalities end is very much overrated. For one thing, why wait until these tormentors of humanity, only after a long reign of barbaric tyrrany, finally kicks the bucket? and when you try to "fast track" thier inevitable demise technically, that makes you as wicked as they are and you are also bound to the same fate you sent them to. That bites. What am i supposed to do, just hope and pray to every living and petrified saint that a grand piano falls out of the heavens and splatters his red stuffing and gray matter all over the pave ment as he walks by? oh but wait, doing that also entails you to a one way trip to "the land down under"(that ain't Australia). Damn that just bites ass..its like reality is flipping me off, and i cant do squat. It reminds me of one of my personal adages "better an asshole thana doormat." well, i guess only doormats can get to heaven.
Another thing, the bighorned red guy with a pointy tail holding a pitchfork and his motley crew of "evil rangers" have been taking too much credit for hell and what it stands for therefore recieving in return, way too much publicity for it. Its like humans are like 5 minute commercials with subliminal messages in them. So false advertising trancends even the boundaries of the afterlife. Let us critique everyday evemts in the life of some people shall we?
Do we come to the conclusion that Bhaal himself took human form as the Guy/Girl in charge of making the section assignments of the studentsand fiendishly wrote your name under a section with a lousy schedule, the worst possible instructors put together which, up to now you didnt think was humanly possible(stupidity is contagious when carriers cluster), an obvoius shortage of jawdropping-make-me weak-in-the-knees women? instead, like a sick, practical joke, your classmates aka. your "whipping boys/girls" are the 22 women who screwed you over aka. your ex-girlfriens and the 22 guys they they replaced you with who just happens to hate your guts for no apparent reason,. and you are stuck there for one agonizingly painful semester., and now as you sit at your desk isolated from the rest of the class, you grind and grit your teeth, breathing feverishly, and tightly clenching your pen with sweaty and shaky plamswhile trying to fend off the voices in you head telling you to stab and maim someone. Thats hell right there plain and simple, but then again that could just be as easily dismissed as really bad luck.
And do we hold the higher powers accountable and beyond scrutiny when that Voluptous chinita whose face and bodily contours are carved very deeply within your cranium like posters finally gives in to your long ignored charms and you start racking up points with her when amidst the flare of your burnig passion, a gas leak. That gas forming root crop known as Kamote you had for lunch takes its toll, and that little gas leak a few moments later escalates ito a monumental deafening flatulence. After the echo that resonated throughout the 4 walls of the campus stopping everyone who can hear in thier tracks, a fetid, reeking stench stimulates the chinitas and everyone in a 50 meter radius's olfactory receptors. The next day SHe issues a temporary restraining order against you and making the local news makes you the new face of shame in your university. Again hell personified but, still just as easily be construed as extreme misfortune.
Beelzebub, the pit of eternal tormaent, and the minions of darkness, ive probably already got a reservation, yeah i admit i aint no saint. But im still tickin' and kickin' so they'll just have to wait And besides why would they want me or anyone else for that matter die so soon, we're like reality TV for them. The dark underworld and all it embodies, whether existent or not, would not have to do much to do what they do best which is personify hell. Because when it come to inflicyting torment and strife, its like humans have an innate knack for inflicting it upon others and themselves.
Its ironic that the search for paradise leads us down the path of hell, and as hard as we try to look for paradise hell would come lloking for and evemntually find us instead.
-graydarksoul-
Oath of the soldier
I am a soldier
Who exists to live for his master
Whos hearts beat and lungs breath
To act upon what my lord's will concieve
My will and my soul
My existence, only to fulfil only my role
To become my masters shadow
From bastions of light to the abyss of darkness
Two steps behind i shall follow.
I am a shield from the winds of fate
or a sword, her vessel of hate
I am her beast that howls in the darkness
Or the seraph that radiates kindness
To my obedience, no restriction
My fealty, tempers my conviction
For my liege, divine law i'll break, mortal rule i'll bend
Eternity ill spend at your side until my lifes end
I am a soldier
Not a drop of blood, nor tear, shall fall from my master
Until my own final trace of mortality fades into oblivion.
-graydarksoul-
Who exists to live for his master
Whos hearts beat and lungs breath
To act upon what my lord's will concieve
My will and my soul
My existence, only to fulfil only my role
To become my masters shadow
From bastions of light to the abyss of darkness
Two steps behind i shall follow.
I am a shield from the winds of fate
or a sword, her vessel of hate
I am her beast that howls in the darkness
Or the seraph that radiates kindness
To my obedience, no restriction
My fealty, tempers my conviction
For my liege, divine law i'll break, mortal rule i'll bend
Eternity ill spend at your side until my lifes end
I am a soldier
Not a drop of blood, nor tear, shall fall from my master
Until my own final trace of mortality fades into oblivion.
-graydarksoul-
Cupid shoots himself in the ass
Is love something that can never be given excess?
Is it a cask that cannot be filled to the brim no matter how much its filled?
For as it is filed it emanates a deafening echo,
Lashing out like a tyrant to its slave.
----------------------------------------
Eros and Cupid, beasts with voracious appetites
Gnawing, gnashing, and devouring all that is offered and sacrificed
for the satisfaction of its divine malevolent facade
of perpetual thirst and hunger.
--------------------------------------
And when all sacrifice and offerings have been despoiled,
Do you throw yourself upon its gaping jaws?
Will loves gluttony consume even the soul that sustains it?
And should the soul be content,that as it disintegrates within the beasts bowels,
the beast shall live and breathe for the moment.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The ultimate sacrifice or unforgivable blasphemy?
What qualifies anyone to render judgement?
Are perceptions still identical, whe different eyes look at the same sight?
Beliefs, ideals, and delusions, roads that supposedly end in the same place
But no one ever gets there.
----------------------------------------------
In the end my jugdement qualifys and quantifies only to myself
For i have dug my grave in the middle of the road ive taken
i'll carve on my tombstone, that i've given up nothing less than
My soul for my conviction.
--------------------------------------------
But as i live and breath this very second,
Heaven help me, that i do not prove myself wrong..
The roots of my conviction run deep, but do not test me.
The last thing i want to do is deny myself the truth that i have created..
-Graydarksoul-
Is it a cask that cannot be filled to the brim no matter how much its filled?
For as it is filed it emanates a deafening echo,
Lashing out like a tyrant to its slave.
----------------------------------------
Eros and Cupid, beasts with voracious appetites
Gnawing, gnashing, and devouring all that is offered and sacrificed
for the satisfaction of its divine malevolent facade
of perpetual thirst and hunger.
--------------------------------------
And when all sacrifice and offerings have been despoiled,
Do you throw yourself upon its gaping jaws?
Will loves gluttony consume even the soul that sustains it?
And should the soul be content,that as it disintegrates within the beasts bowels,
the beast shall live and breathe for the moment.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The ultimate sacrifice or unforgivable blasphemy?
What qualifies anyone to render judgement?
Are perceptions still identical, whe different eyes look at the same sight?
Beliefs, ideals, and delusions, roads that supposedly end in the same place
But no one ever gets there.
----------------------------------------------
In the end my jugdement qualifys and quantifies only to myself
For i have dug my grave in the middle of the road ive taken
i'll carve on my tombstone, that i've given up nothing less than
My soul for my conviction.
--------------------------------------------
But as i live and breath this very second,
Heaven help me, that i do not prove myself wrong..
The roots of my conviction run deep, but do not test me.
The last thing i want to do is deny myself the truth that i have created..
-Graydarksoul-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)