I never thought I’d be writing again quite honestly since the events that fateful demise of what I consider my penchant for writing, but what I know more intimately as my soul. I’d never think that writing this piece, which learning how to walk after having your legs taken away, would be a plain and simple blog entry. I hate talking about myself in writing. It felt awkward, like being naked in public. There are no masks to hide myself behind, no pretentious facades to play, no smokes and mirrors of apathy and false emotions, even if you are seemingly talking to yourself, each word typed reeks of honesty, and what you’ll soon read is the truth, and its not easy to look at. And the truth is I became so engrossed with all the sh*that has happened in the past that i’d lost sight of why I wrote in the first place. Every poem and prose I had written was an embodiment of pure emotion and free thought that I was fortunate enough to put into form and structure. All of the verses filled me with a sense of nostalgia, a sense of freedom that I know I’ll never find but won’t stop looking for. Reading any composition of mine made me feel like a stranger to myself, and meeting me for the first time. It was why I wrote, it wasn’t about recognition or having fun, it was about writing something I’d read at the end of the day, and more importantly seeing myself in every work, even if I don’t recognize me at first. Having said all of that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to write like I used to.
But if this is will be the last thing I write then let it be a single stone on a nameless grave, if not then it’s the beginning of my reincarnation. -graydarksoul-
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
RN, Right now: Euthanize me.
Its hard to fathom how ive developed a dislike for something ive almost worshipped for the last few years of my life. I remember when I got accepted into my college academe a few years back, and I was do eager to light the lamp, to serve, to become a nurse, lately though, that lamp is on the top shelf in my closet, never used, often remembered, and soon to be forgotten. This piece is perhaps an elegy, or that syringe full of morphine that is soon to find its way through my IV.
I remember my first day as full fledged nurse, I was employed at a hospital that was prestigious in its own right. It was a first hand experience if being the new guy, it had its occasional upsides, and the more often rape by emotional vampires. Yes I had my share of screw-ups and I admit that my ineptness put me in more than one compromising situation, but I knew that this is what I had signed up for and I was not going to back down. And just to express my appreciation for everyone who showed me the ropes around the area and whom I shall be forever grateful to for all the patience and the friendship, Ate Tere, Ate Lilo, Kuya Geoff, Kuya Bernard, Kuya Darwin, Kuya Justin, Sir Zoe and Ma’am Lilian, Thank you for everything. And also a special mention to Mika, Mac, and another female staff who I wont bother remembering its O something.., id just like to say that I learned absolutely s*it from you, and you are the people who make this job a hell of a lot harder for me and I only thank God everytime im working with you that I didn’t kill any of my patients, im sorry I don’t know what to do and im a lot more sorry that you treat co-workers like that, so on a last note I have 2 things to say to you 3, I hope you are much better people outside work and I pray you treat those after me better and, F*CK YOU!, thank you for absolutely nothing.
Having said that id be lying if I said I didn’t regret leaving, I passed the license enhancing exam and I think I wouldn’t have done so if I didn’t do what I did. And thinking now, there are a lot more things I want in life that I still want to accomplish before I devote my life to nursing. In all honesty, nursing isn’t about the so called greener pasture for me, its about seeing the world in another light, and I have searched within the sterile halls, inside the emergency carts and even in every living and dying person inside the hospital. Perhaps I may have not searched enough, but I am at another crossroads and the winds guide me elsewhere. It may not be anytime soon but, when I am in the dark I may just reach into my closet and light that lamp again.
---graydarksoul---
I remember my first day as full fledged nurse, I was employed at a hospital that was prestigious in its own right. It was a first hand experience if being the new guy, it had its occasional upsides, and the more often rape by emotional vampires. Yes I had my share of screw-ups and I admit that my ineptness put me in more than one compromising situation, but I knew that this is what I had signed up for and I was not going to back down. And just to express my appreciation for everyone who showed me the ropes around the area and whom I shall be forever grateful to for all the patience and the friendship, Ate Tere, Ate Lilo, Kuya Geoff, Kuya Bernard, Kuya Darwin, Kuya Justin, Sir Zoe and Ma’am Lilian, Thank you for everything. And also a special mention to Mika, Mac, and another female staff who I wont bother remembering its O something.., id just like to say that I learned absolutely s*it from you, and you are the people who make this job a hell of a lot harder for me and I only thank God everytime im working with you that I didn’t kill any of my patients, im sorry I don’t know what to do and im a lot more sorry that you treat co-workers like that, so on a last note I have 2 things to say to you 3, I hope you are much better people outside work and I pray you treat those after me better and, F*CK YOU!, thank you for absolutely nothing.
Having said that id be lying if I said I didn’t regret leaving, I passed the license enhancing exam and I think I wouldn’t have done so if I didn’t do what I did. And thinking now, there are a lot more things I want in life that I still want to accomplish before I devote my life to nursing. In all honesty, nursing isn’t about the so called greener pasture for me, its about seeing the world in another light, and I have searched within the sterile halls, inside the emergency carts and even in every living and dying person inside the hospital. Perhaps I may have not searched enough, but I am at another crossroads and the winds guide me elsewhere. It may not be anytime soon but, when I am in the dark I may just reach into my closet and light that lamp again.
---graydarksoul---
For Gale
If angels truly failed to tread the paths I cross,
Then your feathers still rustle with the leaves
That breeze toward the horizons end
The dusks and dawns of years past
Through hellfire and brimstone
And battles with our own demons
Still I hold your hand
And as time and the universe makes promises
Change and uncertainty its guarantee
If our paths should sever
I will die, and you shall forever hold
Whatever is left of me
But as long as we walk the same road,
I shall never falter
I am your guardian, your lover
For you are the wind,
My Gale that fills me forever.
---graydarksoul---
Then your feathers still rustle with the leaves
That breeze toward the horizons end
The dusks and dawns of years past
Through hellfire and brimstone
And battles with our own demons
Still I hold your hand
And as time and the universe makes promises
Change and uncertainty its guarantee
If our paths should sever
I will die, and you shall forever hold
Whatever is left of me
But as long as we walk the same road,
I shall never falter
I am your guardian, your lover
For you are the wind,
My Gale that fills me forever.
---graydarksoul---
For Ash
From the seeds that dare not sprout
I pick the roses that never bloom
Present a bouquet, veiled with congeniality
Yet crimson is shed from the thorns
---
Your face haunts even the sanctity of my dreams
That even as I stare from afar, I forget im awake
But only in Somnus’s palm can I hold yours in mine
For in slumber shall my longing touch remain.
---
Thunderous whispers from the top of my lungs
Echoes carried by the winds through the horizons
But shall never reach its destination
Heard only as a dirge to what was never born
---
My lips tremble even at the mention of your name
Hungry for the taste of yours
But if it would cost me my demise, to see a single smile
Let me die, let it die
---
My beloved sin
Perhaps a rose laden path to my damnation
For my passion, my Ash
Shall not be lost, shall not be found.
----graydarksoul---
I pick the roses that never bloom
Present a bouquet, veiled with congeniality
Yet crimson is shed from the thorns
---
Your face haunts even the sanctity of my dreams
That even as I stare from afar, I forget im awake
But only in Somnus’s palm can I hold yours in mine
For in slumber shall my longing touch remain.
---
Thunderous whispers from the top of my lungs
Echoes carried by the winds through the horizons
But shall never reach its destination
Heard only as a dirge to what was never born
---
My lips tremble even at the mention of your name
Hungry for the taste of yours
But if it would cost me my demise, to see a single smile
Let me die, let it die
---
My beloved sin
Perhaps a rose laden path to my damnation
For my passion, my Ash
Shall not be lost, shall not be found.
----graydarksoul---
Rebirth
A formless soul
Nested on a nameless earth
Treading beaten paths
Where shallow marks lay
---
The blood of knaves and martyrs
Nourish the tranquil pastures
And their intricate tombstones
Bolster the walls and line the walkways
---
The legacies of a countless fallen
Still linger in the whispers of generations
And monuments to their glory
Idolized and worshipped
---
Freedom in the within the walls of false horizons
Shackles in the guise of prestige and glory
Happiness betrothed to Midas touch
Truth is a myth, hope, a lie.
---
Existence is merely a quest for answers
Or a journey in search of questions
Tis’ not a matter of which path is taken
But taking the first step and all thereafter
---
A formless soul
Nested on a nameless earth
Count not the footsteps taken
But heed where your final step shall be made.
-----graydarksoul---
Nested on a nameless earth
Treading beaten paths
Where shallow marks lay
---
The blood of knaves and martyrs
Nourish the tranquil pastures
And their intricate tombstones
Bolster the walls and line the walkways
---
The legacies of a countless fallen
Still linger in the whispers of generations
And monuments to their glory
Idolized and worshipped
---
Freedom in the within the walls of false horizons
Shackles in the guise of prestige and glory
Happiness betrothed to Midas touch
Truth is a myth, hope, a lie.
---
Existence is merely a quest for answers
Or a journey in search of questions
Tis’ not a matter of which path is taken
But taking the first step and all thereafter
---
A formless soul
Nested on a nameless earth
Count not the footsteps taken
But heed where your final step shall be made.
-----graydarksoul---
Ghost
Hollowed vessel, shattered remains
A broken shield, now, a tempered shell
Once a beacon of light, purged, expunged
Now a demon unto itself
--------------------------
Adrift within a boundless space
Yet, every horizons end,
Are frigid bars to a cage
The sky, a warden, a priest, an executioner
--------------------------
Life is but a memory, almost forgotten
As much as the soul, is a gentle whisper
Never to echo in the bowels of darkness
Whatever is left, shall linger, shall die
---------------------------
I walk among the living
Laugh, cry, and feel like they do
And yet I am a walking void
An existence without meaning, without purpose
----------------------------
Death is a prize for effort
For a struggle futile and vain
And yet I wander,
Searching for something that can never be reclaimed
-----------------------------
Now I flutter among the living
Awaiting salvation or damnation
Haunting what once was,
And what will never be.
-graydarksoul
A broken shield, now, a tempered shell
Once a beacon of light, purged, expunged
Now a demon unto itself
--------------------------
Adrift within a boundless space
Yet, every horizons end,
Are frigid bars to a cage
The sky, a warden, a priest, an executioner
--------------------------
Life is but a memory, almost forgotten
As much as the soul, is a gentle whisper
Never to echo in the bowels of darkness
Whatever is left, shall linger, shall die
---------------------------
I walk among the living
Laugh, cry, and feel like they do
And yet I am a walking void
An existence without meaning, without purpose
----------------------------
Death is a prize for effort
For a struggle futile and vain
And yet I wander,
Searching for something that can never be reclaimed
-----------------------------
Now I flutter among the living
Awaiting salvation or damnation
Haunting what once was,
And what will never be.
-graydarksoul
The world is “O”: Crocodile tears
This is my tribute to the recently departed Steve “Crocodile hunter” Irwin. I must admit that I was never a fan of his, nor his work. I personally saw him as another peculiar foreigner with a funny accent no different from the likes of Johnny Knoxville, Jimmy Fallon, and Dave Chapelle, though i must admit that he'll never be as funny.My impression of him was he was just nother unappreciated wild life conservationist. His shows was just one of those waves I happened to crash in to while im channel surfing every so often, but nonetheless, I knew his name and what he did. His manner of dying wasn’t much of a shock to me than the fact that he’s dead. Yes, Dead, the man who ive seen wrestle crocodiles, hold down alligators, stick his head into the gaping lion’s jaws, and play kissy face with pit vipers. The man who’s ducked and dodged death almost countless times against the fangs and claws of almost all of natures most primal of kin. It’s almost surreal that a stingray’s envenomed barb would have his number, but it did, and his death showed me what I really wanted out of my own life.As ive watched his exploits unfold through the years, it was so obvious that he loved his work and was happy doing it. His passion for what he did was entirely unique to him. After every seemingly fatal or decapitating moment he seamlessly, or even mockingly at times, dodged by a hair. I am in awe of the fact that, the next time I watch him, he’s still there. Even when at times when his daily gamble doesn’t pay off as big, say, death is halted by a dose of anti-venom or a good helping of anti-bacterial cream and a lot of bandages, and after a while, he’s at it again. He has made cheating death as part of his profession, and how he’s done it for as long as he did, is entirely dumbfounding. I see it not as absolute fearlessness of death, but as the strongest will to live. This to me exemplifies this man.If this isn’t enough to earn the respect, or even admiration for this man, I don’t know what is. What this man and his life and death stand for should be the blueprint for the entire existence of humanity.
Waking up in morning doing what you love, even if it means having to risk your next breath every single time and then, doing it all over again tomorrow. To be happy, content, and ready to die at any given moment. That is how I want to live, and I only hope and pray that I meet my own demise even close to how he met his.
--graydarksoul--
Waking up in morning doing what you love, even if it means having to risk your next breath every single time and then, doing it all over again tomorrow. To be happy, content, and ready to die at any given moment. That is how I want to live, and I only hope and pray that I meet my own demise even close to how he met his.
--graydarksoul--
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